When a lesbian thinks discussion of male sex organs is important – you know you best sit up and start taking notes.

What is wrong with today’s average heterosexual woman?

After conducting MANY the (random informal) survey of (very drunk) self-proclaimed heterosexual women around the world, I have come to the shocking conclusion:

8 out of 10 women feel that performing fellatio is at best a chore and at worst something to be fervently avoided.

WTF?!?

Here I was, polite little lesbian that I am, thinking that all these straight women were running around snacking on their boyfriends bits with wild glee and abandon.

But no – it would appear the majority DISLIKE giving their man some oral pleasure.

And deep throating? Good luck buddy.

From what I gather, you hetero boys are lucky if she will give your little man a lick, let alone try to swallow the thing!

You certainly wouldn’t catch a gay man disrespecting the consumption of the male member, that’s for sure.

Seriously, am I the only one a little confused by this? Or am I just the only one with the proverbial balls to actually ask women this question?

It really is amazing what people will tell you after a few drinks if only you bother to ask them…

I, being a homo, LOVE women. Everything about them. EVERYTHING. Including the vagina. A LOT. I’m sure most heterosexual men out there would heartily agree with me.

This is sentiment is most aptly captured by my (very lesbian) friend’s favorite saying (which often garners much cheering and clicking of drinks together by all those within range – well at least when its said in a dyke bar at 2am):

“I lurrve the smell of fresh pussy in the morning!”

Ganbei indeed.

Now as much as I would like (and enjoy) waxing lyrical on the glories of the female form and all those juicy pink bits all day long (ahem) – there is a much more serious topic at hand here people – The COCK.

And don’t even get me started on the related topic of “tea bagging”… Most women I mention that one to look at me with utter horror and disgust (rather similar in fact to the expression one gets from a lesbian when you mention the word “semen”).

OK – so I have a little confession to make…

When I was a budding 18 year old baby dyke (the term we homosexuals give to newly out lesbians, no matter what their age) and busy parading about in purple doc martins, a newly acquired nose piercing and short black hair (a rite-of-passage for all lesbians) I found the concept that people would willingly engage in heterosexual sex acts to be downright disgusting.

Being the eldest sibling, I felt it my sisterly duty to inform my heterosexual little sister (16 at the time) that should she choose to continue this boy-liking lifestyle of hers, she will in time have to not only suck on boy’s penises, but she will also have to juggle wrinkly hairy testicles in her mouth – and like it.

Being a teenager, she of course told me to shut-up and stop being so gross - to which I, in my ever so arrogant and precocious 18 year old way informed her that such behaviour was in fact not at all “gross” nor revolting, and was actually something that any true heterosexual woman would indulge in more than happily.

How very wrong I was.

SIDE NOTE: Shortly after this heart-warming conversation with my dear baby sister, my mother (who had no problems with my being gay) told me to please stop harassing my sister and to respect her sexuality as she did mine.

Fair enough I thought. Although her response did stick in my mind and possibly may have prompted my obsession with asking women what they think about such things.

Now lets take your “average” gay man. If you march into Destination on a Friday night, clipboard in hand and question the first 50-odd men you bump into (and it will be bump into – that place gets ridiculously packed), I guarantee you the answer to “what do you think of sucking cock?” will be a resounding “I LOVE IT”.

And we are not just talking about being on the receiving end here. No! Gay men the world over genuinely ENJOY performing fellatio.

They surrender to the sausage. They lick the lolipop. They EMBRACE the cock. Fully and with great gusto.

Then why, I ask you, do so many heterosexual women wrinkle up their noses in revulsion at such a thought?

Are they all secretly lesbians? Sadly for me, I suspect the answer is no.

They do love their men and they do love having sex with their men folk – but all too often they do not love to love that very bastion of manhood – the penis.

Do we need to start running workshops on this?

Should women stop inspecting their pink bits with little hand mirrors and start subscribing to online porn?

Is there an untapped market for photography books featuring page after page of penis?

Heterosexual women – listen up!

You need to learn how to EMBRACE THE COCK.

Love it, hold it, caress it. Look long and lovingly into its dear little one-eyed face and give it a kiss – well at least for starters.

Oh, and don’t forget it’s friendly neighbour – the scrotum. I have it on good authority that it is all too often neglected in your quest for quick oral fixation. I’m not saying that ALL women don’t understand this most important aspect of heterosexual love - I happen to have quite a few straight female friends who most certainly enjoy some quality “deep dicking”.

I have even seen them grab the “Hottest Naked Guys Of 2008” calendar out of the hands of a gay guy friend and start poring over the pages announcing who has the best bits, the most attractive penile member, the most beautiful cock ever…

While I must admit to being completely incapable of truly appreciating the male anatomy in this manner (actually I really can’t stand looking at a giant photo of a penis for more than a few seconds without becoming slightly nauseous), I do have great respect and admiration for these women, who, like so many of their gay male comrades – truly do – EMBRACE THE COCK.

And remember girls... unless you are a Beijing taxi driver - spitting is never ever ok.

Proper ladies swallow.