The average Beijingologist road inspection trip is a happy affair. Ignoring a State Council public decree decreeing mid-winter aircon temps no higher than 20°C, I happily put the aircon up to 30.5°C (what the locals at times call "Africa-like temps"), activate seat heating, and drive merrily along. Until it hit me today -- nature made a totally out-of-the-blue call while I did the trip along Shunyi County Highway 212.

There was a Shell gas station nearby. I got in -- and it was just awful. I'll spare you of the less-than-harmonious bits, but as some who has been on throne toilets since time immortal, I try to exercise self-control in terms of the food I'm allowed to take in (no Happily Flapping Away Their Tail Anchovies for me, thank you very much) to avoid the dreaded bathroom bolt, but even then, this is no guarantee. The dreaded squat toilet awaited me, and my belt was there to make it an awful, miserable experience.

Nothing wrong with squats; here are, though, a few things I ask of those installing squat toilets in future:

1. Give us two big handles on the floor. I'm about 65 kg, which is never too elephantine, but even then I always screw up horribly. There's nothing to cling to. I failed PE in high school (well not really, but I came close). I can't do balancing acts right.

2. Stick two great big handles on each side of the wall. I'll need these too. I can't do my balancing act right.

3. To the next guy who just goes in, does their bit, and fail to flush: IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN, FLUSH WHAT YOU DID! If you don't, it'll drive the next lady/gent up the wall!

And one more thing I ask -- this time of me:

1. BUY A LESS HARD-ON-YOURSELF BELT! Nothing's worse than getting an all-too-hard belt... The pain...