Some say it’s about the presents, others say it’s about the parties; for many, it’s about spending time with the family. Yet the one thing we all have in common is the spirit of Christmas. It’s not just about the eggnog and the lords a-leaping, the most important thing is what Christmas stands for. As Bart Simpson said, “aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa”…

The best reminders we have of what Christmas stands for in this day and age are the classic Christmas stories and movies. If Christmas is about love, giving, forgiveness and family, then Love is when the prime minister in Love Actually goes to tell his ex-employee how he feels about her. Giving is when friends gave their money to George Bailey to save him from destitution in It’s a Wonderful Life. Forgiveness is when the scary old snow-shoveling man in Home Alone made amends with his son in time for Christmas day. And family is when that cute little Gizmo gave birth to the rest of his adorable siblings in Gremlins…

However, the greatest of all the Christmas stories ever told, bar one very obvious one, has to be Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. And seeing as I have prior Christmas Eve plans, which consist of Baileys and mince pies in front of the TV…ahem, I mean carol singing and collecting money for the needy, I’m going to play all three spirits right here, right now, in a bid to transform your festive relationships. God bless us, every one!

“Marley was dead to begin with.” …But rather than crying over the mischievous Labrador, pour yourself another glass of mulled wine and let the transformation begin.

Ghost of Relationships Past
Past relationships…bah humbug! It seems as though all our problems in life, from low self-esteem to our inability to do calculus in our heads all stem from either, A. the relationships with our parents, or B. our past relationships with lovers.

But there is good news (hallelujah); all the crap from our past can be used to fertilize our future. Every single relationship you have had, from the holiday romance with the hairy-backed Greek to the long distance relationship with the girl you never met, defined certain times of your life, and whether you know it or not, you learned something from each of them. So rather than writing them off as failures, think of them in terms of how they have helped make you the super smashing great person you are today.

It’s the ultimate in green living; you can use your past experiences to nourish your future. Need proof? Here are a few things you’ve learned from those ‘wretched’ exes:

Number 1: With each relationship we add to our list of ‘wants’ and ‘don’t wants’. The longer your list, the more certain you will be of avoiding making the same mistakes again in the future.

Number 2: Relationships teach us to be less picky. Boyfriend number 1 is doomed to be a major disappointment because you realise that he’s nothing like the Ken doll you had when you were a little girl. He doesn’t let you dress him, doesn’t drive a Ferrari, and doesn’t have a plastic sixpack. By boyfriend number 4 or 5 you will have come to realise that there are no perfect men. Ken dolls really should have had moobs, made fart noises, as well as an infuriating addiciton to the phrase “dya know what I mean?”. At least then we would’ve stood a better chance of making things last with bf numero uno.

Number 3: Life is one big learning curve, and the best mate you’ll ever have is with you right now… It’s only you, you silly sausage! You are the greatest friend you’ll ever have. So be kind to yourself, for heavens sake. You wouldn’t torture anyone else by replaying sad memories or overanalysing an unfortunate situation over and over, so why do it to yourself? The only memories you should be playing back to yourself, if any, are the great ones, when looking back only helps you to see how far you’ve come.

Lesson learned: “Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind.”

Ghost of Relationships Present
If you ask me, we should all model ourselves on the Ghost of Christmas Present: We should be more jolly, learn to laugh at absolutely everything, have an adventurous fashion sense, and grow a big ginger beard.

The second spirit preaches the importance of living in the present, and the fact that everything we do has an effect on the rest of the world. You may have days when you feel like Scrooge and think it doesn’t matter. But however little you consider your contribution to the world to be, everyday in some minor or major way you are affecting the people you meet and see – with your facial expressions, the way you dress, and the manner in which you talk. When comfortable in a relationship, we tend to allow ourselves our bad moods and to some extent ‘take it out’ on our partners. Usually the cause of our bad moods and anxiety stems from our inability to let go of the past, i.e. “I got hurt before, what if I get hurt again?”, as well as our fears over the future, i.e. “What if he/she leaves me and breaks my heart?”

But as Anne Morrow Lindbergh put it, “Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”

Lesson Learned: “God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing ye dismay”.

Ghost of Relationships Yet to Come
You may be expecting me to provide you with the answer to all your relationship woes, however for each and every one of us, the journey will be different. Who knows whether in your next relationship you will have your heart broken, or you will break someone’s heart. As every great person from John Lennon to Mahatma Ghandi, Shakespeare and Confucius have told us, to live is to love. And the only part of your life and relationships that will ever be entirely within your control is the extent to which you GIVE love. Not content with this conclusion? Then have a gander at these juicy bits of research that will serve you well in your future dalliances with love.

Stocking Thriller #1: Give in to the Inevitable

Psychologists love delving into our childhoods and coming up with all sorts of icky explanations for our issues in adult relationships. Remember that old saying that men all end up marrying their mothers, and daughters their fathers…? Well it’s not just one of those stomach churning myths. Research into adult/couple attachment theory uses the term “transference” to describe the “unconscious identification of some person in your current life with some significant person from your past”.
Our expectations of behaviour in relationships are based on previous experience – regardless of whether they’re positive or negative. These expectations are usually set by the dominating figures in our early lives, which tend to be our mothers and fathers.

So, I’m sorry to say, our fate is to end up people who remind us of our parents. “The old notion that opposites attract may work for a short time, but after the initial novelty wears off, we become dissatisfied and annoyed as our ‘old programming’ kicks in. When our partner is unable to meet our pre-set expectations, the relationship loses its appeal.” Instead of fighting your destiny, at some point we need to give in to nature and settle for someone who can give you what you really need in a relationship. On my behalf it would be a man who can remove spiders from the bathtub and fix the car… I’ve decided that this year, all I want for Christmas is to no longer be a cliché…Either that or a skilled ayi to save me from this fate.

Stocking Thriller #2: Sharing & Caring

Ever wondered why you act so idiotic and emotional when in love? Well you’re not alone. In Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars, John Gray, phD. explains how it’s a natural instinct that as you fall deeper in love, a whole load of other suppressed emotions can be unleashed. He says, “it’s a paradox: because you feel safe with your partner, your deepest fears have a chance to surface. When they surface you become afraid and unable to share what you feel.”

If you run away from this intimacy, you’re running away from a meaningful relationship. Gray suggests that in order to get past these negative feelings, we should communicate with our partner to gain a deeper understanding. Xmas tip: Communication tends to flow following that second bowl of extra-strong sherry trifle.

Stocking Thriller #3: Acceptance

Who was it that filled your pretty head with the idea that one day you’ll meet Mr. / Miss Perfect? Somebody once said, “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”, and much like that poor chap, we should refrain from setting our expectations and standards so high that they can never be met. You take one step closer to finding ‘the one’ when you let go of these ideals of what true love is all about. As Marcus Aelius Aurelius said, "Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart."

Remember that being in a relationship for the wrong reasons is a lot like mince pies; on the outside they look ok, but beyond the outer layer they taste like hell.

Lesson Learned: “Christmas is love, Christmas is peace; A time for hating and fighting to cease.”