As the old saying goes, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”…but I’m starting to think that Beijing’s ‘sea’ is as polluted as the rest of it. The single foreigners in this city fall into one of four categories, 1. Thrill seekers, 2. Escapists, 3. Misfits, and 4. Downright nutcases. And although I am quite partial to the odd nut, I have to admit that the dating scene is hardly teeming with eligible characters.

Where did all the cool, single and normal people go? I remember a time when prime hangout locale, Sanlitun, was stocked full of dateable specimens. Now, the entire area seems to have been infested with the worst of what the city has to offer. Never again shall I set foot in First Floor after the fat, sweaty stranger licked my face. Punk was an exception until a leery Dutchman propped himself at the bar, looked at me, and said “ah good, I haven’t done a blonde this week”…Ew. And much to the dismay of us ‘normals’, these social misfits appear to be multiplying faster than a gremlin in a power shower.

I think it was Samantha in Sex and the City who said, “When you’re single, the world is your smorgasbord”. New York, I’m guessing, has a much larger array of ‘cheese’ than Beijing. If you’re single in Beijing, the city is more like a school canteen; nothing looks nice, but you eat it anyway.

“But come on, Nikki”, I hear you say, “things aren’t that bad here”. So in the spirit of sanguinity, I have put together a little something for those of you who, like me, may have lost faith in the dating scene, but with a little encouragement and insight are always willing to dust off your dignity and get back onto the bicycle seat of lurve.

So before you settle for one of the half-baked bozo’s you’ve met, consider this; perhaps some fine tuning to the way in which you go about finding love is really what you need? As any good coach will tell you: Change game plan, change result.

1. Attitude

You may have already heard that finding a relationship is all about being in the right frame of mind. This is backed by dating expert Jennifer Oikle, phD, who says “it isn’t about the places you go…its all in your dating attitude.” She believes that when a person is happy and enjoying their life, they surround themselves with an irresistible aura that draws others toward them. Jennifer calls it the “soulmate magnet vibe”. But it doesn’t take a phD to know that happy people appear more approachable than miserable-looking ones. Nobody wants to chat up the sad act sitting alone in the corner. Unless he’s Jude Law, obviously.

Attitude has been studied extensively by social psychologists. According to the ‘law of attraction’ by Byrne (1971), “attraction towards a person is positively related to the proportion of attitudes similarity associated with that person”.

With this belief in mind, if you’re exuding negativity and “I’m a d**k!” vibes, then that’s exactly the kind of person you are going to attract.

Good old Winston Churchill famously said, “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference”. Ok so he wasn’t a sex bomb, but he did woo a nation of Brits – and that’s a number of notches even Edison Chen would be proud of.

2. Networking
The word ‘networking’ is the 2nd most overused word in China. The first is ‘aiyo’. Ok, so that isn’t true, but after attending a billion and one networking events around the city, the idea of answering the same old, “so how long have you been here” questions sounds about as tempting as a slice of poo pie. Poo pie, anyone?

Networking, however, doesn’t have to be all about extensive ‘mingpian’ collection and face ache through forced smiling; as with most things, it can be fun if you choose the right people to do it with.
You may have overlooked your greatest untapped resource: Nice people you know, know other nice people, who know other nice people, who know…well,you know what. Organizing a dinner and asking friends to bring along new friends could be the key to finding a hot new love interest. Best thing is, your friends will have already vetted all attendees for weirdness, and have determined them to be within an acceptable level.
Just think, that colleague that looks like a beast just may be housemates with your beauty!

3. Embrace Rejection

So you’re the kind of person who has always waited for the other person to make the first move. Well, times have changed my friend, and so should you. Life is a game of chance, so put yourself out there and see what happens. So you may get shunned, spat on, and slapped…Rejection is never nice, and it’s destined to stay firmly in its ‘bad thing’ box for the rest of all time. But while that may never change, YOU can. As my grandma always told me, ‘if you don’t ask, you don’t get’; and I quickly learned that more often than not she had a pocket full of Werthers waiting to be scoffed. So take some bold risks, develop your strategies, and enjoy a sense of your own personal evolution as you transform into the new, riskier you.

4. Is your type, really your type?
Most people will maintain that their ideal type has specific characteristics…someone tall, big brown eyes, full head of hair, funny, etc. But you should remind yourself that this type has never worked out for you before. So maybe you should ask yourself what’s more important – that a person ticks all the boxes, or really loves you? Perhaps it’s time that you gave that great guy/girl you’ve been keeping on the sidelines a chance after all..?

Psychologists the world over will tell you that searching for Mr. or Miss. perfect could prevent your chances of ever finding love. Andrew G Marshall, author of *Build a Life-long love affair* says, “instead of worrying about the heady connection with a so-called soulmate, people should focus on what really counts.”

If you’re serious about finding someone who’s good for you, you first need to get your head around the fact that your ‘soul mate’ does not exist. Make your quest for love simpler by making a list of your minimum requirements in a future partner. You may find that you can narrow it down to one or two qualities, e.g. Loaded and generous.

5. Panic Dating
Various factors, such as age, family, and culture can result in a feeling of urgency to wed and settle down by a certain age. This can be more pressing for women, who scramble to find the nearest man willing to propose before they hit the big 3-0. But we all know that marrying for the wrong reasons is only ever going to end in one way; and that’s in disappointment.

Kim Wiederholt, author of *Dating a Liar, a Cheater, and a Jerk* explains how “if we become eager rather than patient, our judgment can become clouded as we focus more on achieving the "idea" of a romantic connection rather than focusing on a real connection.”

She suggests avoiding the pitfalls of becoming too eager by keeping a long-term perspective in mind. “Remember, it is not the timeline that is important; it is the quality of the relationship and its resilience.”

6. The sex trap
When you’re single, it’s normal to miss the sexual intimacy you get from being in a relationship. But before considering embarking on a no-strings sexual relationship with some random, it’s worth remembering this; you’re not a robot. I know it’s a difficult one to get your head around, but its true.

The main problem standing in the way of your wild no-strings jungle sex, is oxytocin. It may sound like a spot cream, but it’s actually a hormone that’s released in your body each time you have sex. Post-orgasm, there’s a chemical change in the body that will last for up to 48 hours in men, and a whopping 14 days in women. As a result, relationship experts have even recommended that it’s probably best not to have sex during your dating and selection process for your future partner. R2D2 clearly never had this kind of problem.

7. Do you really need a relationship?

Many of us crave a relationship for the wrong reasons. We think that being with someone can give us with a sense of identity. It’s unhealthy to enter a relationship looking to gain anything more than a person to watch X Factor catch ups with. Happiness cannot be found in any of the following places; the bottom of a glass, your best friend’s boyfriend’s bed, a Hershey bar, and in any person other than yourself.

If you think that being in a relationship will give you validation, then you need to address the matter really at hand; your own insecurity. It’s double Stilton with an extra topping of Parmesan cheesy, but I’m going to say it anyway; you won’t find love until you love yourself first. So maybe its time you took yourself on a date?