The end of a relationship is about as much fun as being trapped in a crowded elevator with 15 chain smoking migrant workers after a questionable chuanr lunch. Whether you wanted the relationship to end or not, when it does so, you are left with a gaping void. Breaking up with someone is like losing a limb; it hurts like hell, takes ages to heal, and a replacement takes a lot of getting used to.

Relationships end in various manners and styles. Some fizzle out and linger while both sides wait for the other to confirm the inevitable. Others end with theatrical screaming and smashing of plates (common in Greece). Rarely do relationships meet their end with a dignified, “I love you, but I think we’re better off as friends”, while the other calmly nods in agreement.

As I’m sure most of you will agree, separating two people is about as mess-free as slicing a profiterole. I mean, who in their right mind could so easily and happily bow out of the limelight as the leading lady/man in someone’s life, to be demoted to supporting role of ‘friend’.

Up until now we’ve lived without a ‘Good Ex Guide’ to refer to as our finger hovers over the send button of the bitter email reading, “you were crap in bed anyway.” So I’m writing this for you – yes, you – the ‘I’m so over my ex, but we’re going to keep in touch and be buddies’ twerp. (No offense).

Friends Shmends
In a perfect world, exes could be recycled and turned into great mates. After all, there are so many things you have in common, and it saves you the time and effort of going out and finding brand new great mates. Well, you may have fooled yourself into thinking that your situation is different, and that the ‘friend thing’ will work for you and your ex. But while you go ahead and kid yourself that being buds with your ex will be tickety-boo, God is laughing at your plans.

So what makes keeping in touch with exes so different to, say, keeping in touch with old school friends? Well, where do I start…? You’ve not only shared saliva with your ex, you’ve also shared hopes and dreams of a future together. Human beings are almost entirely at the mercy of their emotions. And when it comes to something as heartrending as a break up, all that sensible reasoning and rational thought goes out the window…and in some cases, it’s closely followed by your ex’s belongings.

Rarely are breakups mutual decisions, and even when they are, the loss can bring about feelings of bitterness, regret, and hurt. They say the key to good mental health is to distance yourself from your parents. I believe the key to emotional health is to distance yourself from your exes. Never does it give you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside to find out that your ex has fallen for some hot piece of ass and is blissfully happy…Especially when you’re still desperately single yourself.

As a guy friend recently told me, “the attraction between two people never totally disappears.” Being able to be in a room with an ex and not feel even the slightest pang of my heart strings would lead me to question whether 5 years of heavy Beijing pollution had clogged a ventricle. So rather than splodge tip-ex over history by sending a text message reading “hello mate”, surely it’s better to withdraw out of their lives altogether – leaving behind only the eternal memories of the lovely time that was shared.

No Turning Back
The other big problem of staying in touch and trying to do the ‘friends’ thing with your ex, is that it ups the likelihood of the two of you falling back into your old ways – either out of confusion, loneliness or just habit. Sometimes we hang onto the people from our past, not because we need them, but because they provide us with a sense of security. It’s an animal instinct to return to familiar places or repeat the same actions to acquire the things we crave. Your ex was once your first port of call when you sought feelings of security, love, and reassurance. Everybody craves this kind of intimacy; but rather than stepping back and seeking it from your past relationship, we should remind ourselves that it will be better in the long run if we find a new font of validation to slurp from.

In her book, ‘Calling in “The One”’ Katherine Woodward Thomas identifies “toxic ties” as attachments “that cause us to lose personal power.” These attachments include former romantic partners. These “toxic ties,” can prevent us from moving forward with our love lives and keep us from attracting a more suitable partner. Someone once said, “The only way to get over somebody is to get under somebody.” However, temporary contentment can also be sought in a McDelivery, or through placing your hammertoes in the reassuring hands of a Chinese masseuse.

This is your Happy Ending
Cutting out your ex altogether may feel as though you’re throwing out your baby with the bathwater, but in the short and long term, it’s going to be the best way to retain as much of the respect and fond memories of the time you shared. Of course you can come out of retirement to make the odd special appearance or email, but as any of the greats will tell you – keep your encores short and maintain an air of mystery.

They say that the greatest experience we can ever have is usually not a welcomed one at the time. Examples might include: A near death experience that leads you onto a path of enlightenment; going through the pain of childbirth to bring a little one into the world; or having that veruka dug out after 7 years of wearing a sock in the swimming pool. Everything that happens, including breakups, contribute to shaping our personalities and futures.

We all know that ‘break ups’ should be bundled up and sent into Room 101, but I’m sorry to say that they are here to stay. Our only respite is to seek the positives by determining what we learned from the relationship. People say that with each relationship, we grow wiser. Although I certainly don’t advocate becoming as ‘wise’ as Madonna, it takes a few relationship breakups to make us realize what it is we truly want in life.

Have the courage to let go of your past so you will have more time to focus on your future. Then you can go ahead and find that great new relationship that makes all your previous relationships eat their shorts.