Women spend a discomforting amount of time trying to figure out the weird and wonderful world that exists inside a man’s head. Womankind has matched mankind in intelligence, physical agility, business acumen and balls, but still one area remains as baffling to us as the Bermuda triangle; and that is the male himself.

Despite the thousands of books claiming to demystify the male psyche, create a happy marriage, and ‘make him want you’, most women still remain very much in the dark, and therefore trapped in a vicious cycle of rubbish relationships.

So what is it about a man that’s so difficult for women to fathom? Scientists have come to accept that a few fundamental differences between men and women are biological. It turns out that men's and women's brains, for example, are not only different, but the way we use them differs too.
“Women have larger connections and more frequent interaction between their brain's left and right hemispheres. This accounts for women's ability to have better verbal skills and intuition. Men, on the other hand, have greater brain hemisphere separation, which explains their skills for abstract reasoning and visual-spatial intelligence.”

The greatest mistake we can ever make in a relationship, is to assume that our other half has the same needs and feelings as ourselves. As John Gray wrote, “we mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone,” and as the author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus he clearly identified, “when men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.”

So before you dump your beau, check out a few of these principles in what I like to call my ‘XY Files’ (ho ho). Although this information won’t make your relationship perfect, it might assure you that your guy isn’t a loser; he’s just being a man.

Gasping for Air

Like fish out of water, when men are submerged in a relationship they start to gasp for breaths of freedom. Many women misunderstand this need, and so they punish them for pulling away. The woman thinks that the man is ‘blowing hot and cold’, and so we decide to ‘teach him a lesson’ by echoing this behaviour. These kinds of mind games only end up confusing and hurting the woman more. What she needs to understand is that when a man pulls away from her, it’s not always a sign that things are turning sour.

In his book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray explains how men are like rubber bands. He writes, “When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer”. He suggests that, like rubber bands, men will pull away only so far before they ‘spring back’ to their woman. Women, he explains, misunderstand this because when they pull away they do so because they are hurt or their man has done something wrong. In contrast, “a man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy”.

Sherry Argov concurs this theory, “With the nice girl, it only takes a few dates for him to feel trapped (…) He panics about being an inmate crammed into a cell.” Alas, smothering your man leaves him with nothing but a strong desire to get the hell out of it, and fast.

This theory puts me in mind of my younger cousin. She has a little dog that she loves so much; she just won’t leave the poor mutt alone. She cuddles it, kisses it, fusses it, and dresses it up in little UGG boots. Consequently, the dog clearly loathes her. All it wants is some peace and quiet, and to lead its own doggy life. There’s a lot to be said for the old saying, “if you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s meant to be”. And yes, I did just compare men to dogs…

I Want it All and I Want it Now

Every man, regardless of culture and creed, dreams of finding a woman who is maternal and pure to the outside world and a dirty little minx in the bedroom. I hate to disappoint males the world over, but your many years of pornography intake have led you to believe in something that doesn’t exist!

It’s simply not possible for a man to view a woman in these two extremes. The way each of us perceives another person is not interchangeable. In other words, when your guy looks at you, he will either see you as a nice girl (i.e. marriage material), or a hot piece of ass (i.e. fling material). He will never see you as both.

Women exacerbate the state of their relationship by trying to fulfill these unrealistic fantasies. Girl’s head out to bars dressed up in outfits akin to strippers, with this oh-so-embarrassing-its-cute idea that if they attract them with their sexuality, they can then impress them with their cooking and cleaning skills later on. Too late, I’m afraid the mould is set.


In contrast, women who tend to ‘mother’ their boyfriends and husbands by washing his socks, cooking his meals, and checking up on him, may be categorized as Madonna’s. This is also a road to relationship ruin. The sexual side of the relationship will suffer as the man will identify his girlfriend with his mother, or simply see her as the mother of his children. Therefore he’ll be seeking someone else to satisfy his sordid sexual needs.


Although many men go on to form successful romantic relationships, those who find themselves unable to see both sexual and relationship promise in the same woman are suffering from what Freud called the Madonna/whore complex. This is a condition Freud believed to be the product of a man’s relationship issues with his mother. I, however, believe that female stereotypes that appear in porn have created unrealistic expectations for many of today’s males. Hello, the uptight secretary who removes her tight bun and glasses to become a sex-starved dominatrix…?

The best way for a woman to combat this is to ensure that she cannot be classed into either category. She should be independent and self-assured, but most of all, she should be herself. If a man’s unable to find you sexy without a cheaply-made bask and wonderbra, then he’s simply not ready for a real relationship, or a real woman come to that. If he wants a nice meal, let him cook it himself. The key to finding a good man is not settling for any guy who doesn’t treat you and respect you as an equal.

Happily Every After

Stop the press, men WANT to settle down and get married?! Yes indeedy, just like us girlies dream of meeting our white knights, underneath the brawn and hairy chests, men also fantasize about finding their fairytale princesses. Having been led to believe that the male population just want to sleep with as many girls before their hips give way, for many ladies this will come as a refreshing piece of trivia.

A study published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society in 2007 found that men are most likely to cheat before the age of 30. After hitting that milestone, men are more likely to focus on their careers and providing for their families. So that also helps to answer the age-old question, ‘where are all the good men?’ Well, they’re in their 30’s!

Of course, some men have a harder time with commitment than others. According to a 2008 study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, this could be down to his genes. Researchers found that “men without the ‘promiscuity gene’ are more likely to marry, and their wives are also more likely to report relative marital bliss.”

I’m just looking; I’m not buying

Women are incredibly competitive when it comes to men, so nothing can be as infuriating as when he’s eyeing up the woman serving your Happy Meals in McDonalds. Whether you choose to squeeze ketchup into his laptop case, or just ignore it, his leering will almost certainly have dented your ego.
Well, I’d like to brighten your day by informing you that even if your bloke was dating the likes of Angelina Jolie, he’d still be checking out other girls in the room.

According to Pranjal Mehta, a social psychologist at Columbia University in New York, “while often linked to aggression and hostility, testosterone is also the hormone of the libido. And guys have six times the amount surging through their veins as women.”

Mehta and colleagues found that “testosterone impairs the impulse-control region of the brain”, which could explain why men ogle women as if on "auto-pilot." Of course this also provides men with the perfect excuse next time he’s checking out the girl at the next table; “Sorry love, it’s not me, it’s my testosterone.” Grr.

His Achy-Breaky Heart

So your relationship is over, and you’ve cried yourself to sleep every night for the past 2 months. If only you knew he was suffering too; in a weird way it would make it so much less painful. Well, ever the one to deliver good news, I’d like to reveal that men suffer even more than women when it comes to break ups. A-ha, the ultimate revenge for those man-haters out there!

According to menshealth.com, “several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after break ups than women do.”

The reason why women are often fooled into thinking that the guy is relishing in his newfound freedom is because men are more likely to mask their true feelings. Women are more open when it comes to crying and talking over their failed relationship with friends, family, taxi drivers, and ayis, which in turn provides them with more emotional intimacy and social support.

Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon University suggests that women also adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a breakup (thanks to her over-analysing tendencies), whereas men are typically unprepared for it.

O Father

He may look like an overgrown teenager, but believe it or not, this guy has the potential to be a great dad to your little ones. According to a 2000 study in *Evolution and Human Behavior*, “the male brain becomes especially primed for cooperation in the months before becoming a father.”

As the woman’s body transforms to become a life-giving source, “fathers-to-be (also) go through hormone changes - prolactin goes up, testosterone goes down.” As we discovered earlier, testosterone is the hormone that encourages men to play the field, therefore a dip in levels means that he’s more likely to portray paternal behaviour.