When female friends sit around and chat, we will often relay tales of the ridiculous things we have done in pursuit of a man. As one friend reveals the intricate details of how she freaked out her latest love interest, the rest of us will sit around and nod, giggle, and guffaw at her honest and self-mocking account. We don’t judge each other, because we understand that we’re all just as mentally unstable as the next woman. But while I will openly admit that women are just a tad, if not completely, round the twist, I still think that without this craziness, the world would be a much duller, darker place.

Think about it; if women were as straight talking, calm and collected as men, life and love would be as tedious as CCTV-9. I put this suggestion to two of my male friends over lunch. While the first guy looked at me as if I should be wrapped up in a straight-jacket and carted away for merely suggesting that relationships needed a spoonful of crazy stirred into the mix, the 2nd guy couldn’t help but admit that the odd drama and spat can be the spice that keeps both the man and the woman on their toes. As far as I can see, both these guys, as well as the rest of the male population, could clearly benefit from a few lessons on the female psyche that could totally transform their love lives and understanding of women.

So without further ado, here is some invaluable advice that will faultlessly serve men throughout the rest of their heterosexual relationship-gorging lives. Print it out, pin it up, forward it on. Knowledge is power, and this stuff is golden.

Lost Marble No.1: Women over-think EVERYTHING, and will continue to do so forever and ever, amen.

With the exception of Woody Allen, overanalyzing everything and anything that happens in a relationship is a quality exclusive to the female of the species. In fact, we women love nothing more than deciphering the meanings behind the tiniest of things, whether it be a text message that says “HI”, or the amount of eye contact during intercourse. Women are perpetually in search of deeper meanings and interpreting male behavior. We are superbly intuitive and psychoanalytical. Sigmund Freud said, “Analogies, it is true, decide nothing, but they can make one feel more at home.” But I’m pretty darn sure it was my Mum that said that first.

Unfortunately, over-analyzing is one of those female things that, like menstrual cycles, men cannot plan for. Even though a man may deem his actions to be entirely innocent, if there is something he’s holding back, the perceptive woman by his side has most likely already picked up on it and brainstormed all the possible reasons behind it.

Solution: Reassurance never hurt anybody. If your lady is going mental, tell her how much you love her, and all will be well in the world again.

Lost Marble No.2: Kisses on a text message ARE important
Ok, I’ve already given you the first point, so this one should be obvious. Lack or insufficient kisses on a text message can mean the difference between a happy go-lucky girlfriend, and an over-analytical nail-biter. Why bother even arguing this point, boys? It’s as simple as your yi, er, san’s. Put it this way, when you remember to put on underpants in the morning, your day goes a whole lot smoother. Similarly, when you remember to put kisses on the end of your messages, your relationship will begin to run as smooth as silk. Remember, font size and amount are also open to assessment.

Solution: Yes, they’re only little x’s to you, but to us they mean so much more. So stop being stingy, and start tapping.

Lost Marble No.3: Women CAN’T be direct
Women are astoundingly complex creatures, ‘tis true. But there’s one thing in which we fail parlously, and that’s straight-talking. Sometimes we say one thing, but mean another. Why? Because sometimes being direct can hurt. And other times, we want you to make the ‘right’ decision without our interference.
Example 1: "I think we should take some time apart to think about what we really want."
Real Meaning: "I’m bored of you, and I’m pretty sure I want to break up."
Example 2: "Yes you can go out with your friends; I’ll just stay at home and re-arrange my socks."
Real Meaning: "If you go out I will punish you for it later. Stay in with me, or else."

Being direct is difficult for a woman because we’re incredibly skilled at empathizing with both sides of a case. So this is why we give you sketchy reasons and say things to you that are riddled with hidden messages, so you can figure out the correct thing to do all by yourself. Forget Sudoku, we’re a little puzzle in a pretty packet just waiting for you to crack.

Solution: Her words may sound the same, but check for differences in tone, pitch, and raised eyebrows when talking. Nb. Raised eyebrows are never a good sign.

Lost Marble No.4: We have hormones and we have no control over them. Get over it.

Being a woman is like riding a roller coaster blindfolded; from one day to the next, we can never tell whether we will be high, low, or loopy. With monthly periods, pregnancy, and menopause, our lives are besieged with so many hormones that our personalities are constantly on the verge of Psychoville, in Nutter Province. Interestingly enough, research has found that men find women with higher levels of hormones more attractive. So men actually fancy women more on their most fertile days, which, coincidentally happen to be the days when women are most likely to suffer from PMT. So, we may act like we’re 2 taco’s short of a combo, but look how cute we are!

Solution:

As Otis Redding wrote, “Try a little Tenderness”, because, as Tammy Wynette sang, “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman”. Those two really should have got together.

Lost Marble No.5: Yes, we’re independent, but we still want you to be a gentleman
As you should have gathered already, there are no meaningless gestures with women. So behaving like a gentleman, such as opening doors, pulling out chairs, and remembering her name are all little signs that will lead her to the conclusion that you respect her. And respect, my friend, is a big turn on for a woman. Yes, we’re independent women and we want to be with a man who treats us like a lady.

Solution: Remember P’s & Q’s, doors and chairs.

Lost Marble No.6: If we’re moody and upset, we want a hug
When a woman is having a breakdown, whether it be over a bad hair cut or a disciplinary at work, the ever-self-involved man instantly assumes that the woman’s taking it out on him. And his reaction is to get the hell out of there, and fast. This is largely down to the fact that this is how men cope with their own breakdowns. When men are upset, they go into seclusion, mope for a while, and then re-emerge when they’ve got it out of their system. Well boys, this doesn’t work for the ladies. We don’t want you to stick around because we want to take it out on you, we just want you to put your arms around us, kiss our heads and tell us everything will be ok. Easy peazy lemon squeezy.

Solution: Hugs & kisses. Ice cream / flowers for the more serious cases.

Lost Marble No.7: When we moan, we don’t want you to fix it
Whenever I would return home from work after a bad day, I would have a little moan about it to my boyfriend. After I had concluded recounting my day, he would look at me and say, “so why don’t you just quit?” Aaaaaaand cue argument no.287643.

This is one of the biggest differences between men and women that if we took the time to understand better, 99.98% of relationships wouldn’t end in bags being packed and break up mix tapes. Men don’t see the point in discussing a problem if you don’t want to find a solution. As John Gray revealed in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, “Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.”

So when a woman moans, she’s not looking for a solution; she’s only seeking compassion and understanding. All the man has to do is sit, listen, and nod. Is that so hard?

Solution: Sit, listen, nod.

Lost Marble No.8: Fart jokes are ONLY funny to men
Can’t figure out why we don’t laugh out loud when you let rip in the post office? Just so you know, fart jokes are only, and will only ever be, funny to men.

Solution: Save the toilet humour for the boys.