My Ayi Doesn’t Love My Kids
And why this is a good thing
Recently, one of my friends left Beijing, taking her husband and two small children with her. The youngest child was raised with two mothers – my friend and my friend’s ayi. This bi-maternal relationship is no doubt nothing new to you, and while it’s an often enviable situation, it’s also fraught with “issues”.
My friend’s baby was born in Beijing and she was lucky enough to find an ayi who was somewhat reserved in her attitude to raising baby The Chinese Way. I’ve heard of battles greater than Waterloo between moms and ayis on the best way to raise baby, and the warring continues all over town. So it was with relief that the ayi/newborn experience for my friend was comparably do-able.
The child was raised bilingual. He was toilet trained the Chinese way and sleep-educated the Western way (ie: learning to sleep without rocking human arms attached at all times). It was the best of both worlds. The baby thrived. He had a big brother, a loving dad and two devoted moms. The only trouble with this happy family picture was that one of these moms was semi-permanent.
When the family said goodbye to their ayi, it was the most heart-rendering, distressing, emotional trainwreck to be found this side of reality television. I saw Ayi just the other day and she still has dark circles under her eyes and a hole in her heart. She haunts internet cafés for a glimpse of the toddler by email, and clutches a dog-eared photo of its adorable face. Back home, the toddler was initially a nightmare to settle but is adjusting slowly, still reportedly pining quite badly for Mama Ayi. Re-establishing completely Western routines has also been a problem.
When we hired our ayi well over three years ago, I kept things professional. To be honest, she is not the most maternal woman, nor the most sentimental, and my kids were old enough to skip that baby-bonding time with her. So we just didn’t enter the gooey, lovey thing with Ayi. She is good to them. Firm and sometimes even fun. But there is no real love there.
Amazingly, this actually makes me happy and somewhat relieved. I'm not sure that developing a deep attachment is the right thing. It’s going to rend my heart in two to leave Beijing eventually – at least I won’t have an extra three broken hearts to deal with.
Tania McCartney
Comments Add a public comment
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Which statement was selfish exactly?
I never wanted my ayi to be my kids' second mother or baby sitting machine. Where in this blog did I suggest that?
I actually think it's more cruel to allow the ayi to form a motherlike connection, and then take that away.
That's wonderful that your ayi and child are best friends. I'm very happy for you. I'm just glad I won't have to deal with the breakup that will ensue. What's wrong with wanting to avoid that? How does that make me selfish? To most people, this kind of desire would suggest I'm looking out for my kids.
I'm glad your child is surrounded by stacks of love. So are mine.
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And PS: that was a real revolting, low and cruel thing to say you're really happy not to be my kid.
My kids have the most loving, generous, fun and dedicated mother in the world and I really take offense to that statement.
If you would like to take this up with me personally, email me and I'll be more than happy to do so by phone or in person, but no more slogging on my blog, behind a convenient alias, thankyouverymuch.
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The subject of Ayi's can be a very touchy one as they are often given the responsibility of looking after our precious babies. Different people have different relationships and experiences with their Ayi's. We need to remember the purpose of a blog is to express a viewpoint and people who respond top a blog need to respect that viewpoint and not see it as an opportunity to attack another in a hurtful way. If you want to post a reply do it nicely!!
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I sincerely apologize. I could not dissagree more with you on the Ayi-thing, but should of course not say such things, I was in a bad mood, and took it out on you, so sorry. I have no right to judge you like that, and obviously has nothing to base that statement on! Everyone has a right to their opinions! I just think that an Ayi doesn't have to be a 2nd mother, on the contrary, and we as parents need to ensure that! And everyday I am thrilled to see how much they love each other. When we go on long holidays, my daughter is fine without the Ayi, though I am sure she misses her, as she does with her grandparents when we return to China, but I still want lots and lots of love between them too, even though the seperation for a short while is tough, and it is also tough for me.
They day I leave China, I will also be extremely emotional and sad, and I think it is perfectly normal that my child feels that too. I am sure you are a great and loving mother for your kids, and I am truely sorry for responding to your blog that way.
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I do appreciate your apology, thank you.
If I had an ayi like yours who adored my kids like her own, I most certainly wouldn't quash it and I am 100% certain I would also love it, and would just have to deal with the separation when it happened, as many mothers in Beijing do.
But the fact remains, we don't have that kind of ayi and it's not my fault nor ayi's fault - it has just kind of worked out that way.
I therefore also stand by my own admission that it's a relief to me that my kids won't be devastated when it comes to saying goodbye.
That doesn't mean I would hate it if my ayi adored them like her own. I never said I LIKE it that my ayi doesn't love my kids. In a way, it kind of makes me sad. I just said it's a relief to me that we won't have to wrench them from her clutches like my friend had to. It was a very distressing experience for them.
I also re-iterate that I never mentioned I think ayi has to be a second mother or a baby sitter. My friend's situation led to this second-mother thing, not my own situation, and I too think ayis should not replace mothers, nor be treated like an outsider or just a robotic "sitter".
I think it's lovely that some kids have this amazing love connection with their ayis and despite your not feeling your ayi is a second mother to your child, there is absolutely no doubt your child sees her as a mother-type figure in some way.
I have watched countless separations between kids and ayis of your exact description and it has still been hard for both the child and the ayi. Of course, they will survive the separation fine and I'm sure you'll do it well, but it's still heartbreaking and yes, I still say I don't envy you.
Good luck with the "separation"! And I am sure that, thanks for modern technology, your child can always keep in touch with her loving ayi, across the miles.
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I think I totally misunderstood the message then :-) I completely understand and follow that... And believe me, I don't envy myself either. I am absolutely terrified, and I know that there will be at least two broken hearts by then.. The Ayi is already talking about it! But again, I will deal with it, and in the meantime enjoy that I actually have this great Ayi, cause that is over and out once I leave China
Thanks for your reply - and again I am really truely sorry for the angry and offending reply I made yesterday... Not at all my style, and embarrasing to read. It is actually an exciting topic. There are many ways to argue for and against, and mine was childish and stupid. Sorry
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You know what - you are very lucky to have this ayi and so is your child. Enjoy and treasure every moment, like you said - and it sounds as though the times with her will far outweigh the pain of leaving her behind.
We all react to things in different ways, for varying reasons. The internet can make it very difficult to react clearly at the best of times! But I'm actually glad this kind of passion for our ayis has been brought up.
And I appreciate your words very much; thank you. :)
Does anyone else have an ayi they will be devastated to leave behind? How do you feel about it? How do you think your children will cope? Do you think it's a mistake to encourage such a deep love-connection or is it the best thing you've ever done?
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What a fantastic example you two have set for your children! Two grown women who have slightly differing opinions who are eventually able to discuss their differences and agree to disagree. It is so hard sometimes to apologise and sometimes even harder to accept it and move on. I congratulate you both and think that you both must love your children very much to set such a fine example of how to deal with a difference of opinion. A lot of parents could learn from your discussion.
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I agree totally with dnmoggy's comment. Well done girls.This makes great reading.
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Oh my - I am really happy I am not your kid!
What a selfish statement! An Ayi doesn't have to be either a 2nd mum or a babysitter-machine! My Ayi is my daughters best friend in the world, and she has so much love and affection for her., but she knows the difference between Ayi and Mum, and that is MY job! There are many things I would like my Ayi to do different, but not her love for my child. It is priceless to me, that my daughter is surrounded by people who loves her all day long, how many gets to be that lucky!
I can't believe anyone would LIKE the fact that the ayi doesn't love her kids, for such selfish reasons - wow!