The Ayi Thing
"In our expat culture we often have ayis who work in our home and care for our children. Are we responsible for ensuring our children view their ayi as an authority figure and treat them with proper respect?"
Since arriving in Beijing 8 years ago, I've had plenty of opportunities to observe the phenomenon of the full-time baby ayi in almost every single expat family I've come in contact with, including my own, as I am now the proud mother of a 4 month old boy and have recently joined the "Mommy Has a Helper" crowd. As an educator, the treatment and regard I have seen ayis receive from their employers and their employers' children has run the gamut from beloved family member and surrogate granny/auntie to little more than a glorified servant at the beck and call of every pint-sized, snot-nosed, diaper-clad tyrant in the clan. I've literally been shocked beyond recovery by witnessing one of my own, relatively complacent, 5 year old kindergarten students, transform into a feral, screeching menace because he was unhappy with his ayi. As I sat at my desk I heard the blood-curdling squeal rise from outside my classroom door and the dull thuds of a human body being pummeled. Curiosity quickly turning to alarm as the ruckus hit its crescendo; I raced to see who was being murdered in the usually safe and peaceful hallway. I watched in horror as this small boy threw himself against his locker and then ran at his ayi, fists flying at her mid-section, screaming, "You carry it!" at the tops of his lungs as his poor ayi tried to hand him his backpack. I almost fell over in shock. I still shudder when I think of it. The abominable behavior immediately stopped the second my head popped out of the classroom. This told me the child absolutely KNEW he was not behaving appropriately. He would never have tried to pull that sort of thing in my classroom because he knew he would get nowhere with me very quickly. He had been taught to respect his teacher, but his ayi was unfortunately, a whole other story. The juxtaposition of the two attitudes towards two adults in this child's life spoke volumes to me. The sad part to me is that one, this example is far from being the only time I've ever witnessed this sort of disrespect directed at an ayi and two, someone, somewhere is responsible for this child's attitude. I am a new parent but I am an old teacher. I don't know much about much but I do know that children are not born with an inherent disdain for hired help. Children learn what they live, it's as simple as that. If they watch mommy or daddy treat the ayi as nothing more than a servant, they learn that is how ayis should be treated. I know in many families the ayi is considered to be “family” and is treated thus, but I have seen many times parents who expect their ayis to trail around after their kids, picking up everything in their wake, carrying backpacks, spoon feeding lunch, and even providing toilet hygiene! Puh-leeeze, people. Children of a certain age can and should learn to pick up their own toys, carry their own school gear, feed themselves and wipe their own bottoms! I won’t even get started on the benefits of independence and self-actualization these expectations provide for our kids! This thought makes me wonder if we parents need to be taught or at least reminded of our parental duties of instilling in our kids the values of respect and caring for others, including those who give a significant part of their lives in caring for us. Yes, they are paid to do a job, but I think that job includes helping our children learn appropriate ways of behaving toward all adults and demanding respect from their small charges. In addition, being paid to do a job does not include the caveat that one is then required to be treated like an indentured servant. I believe we have an obligation to set examples of kindness and regard in our dealings with all people and especially with the ayis we hire to take care of our children.
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My kids seem to go back and forth with granting the Ayi authority. The problem is that she will not tell me when they are giving her lip, and it only comes out when one of them rats on the other. When I then stress again, in English for the kids, and once more in my survival Chinese for the benefit of the ayi, that when I'm not home, they have to listen to her, and that if they don't she can call me and I will give them a piece of my mind right then and there, she seems genuinely relieved, and even somewhat grateful. And all is well. Until the next time I hear that one of them is giving her lip. She never calls though.
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I agree. Children act differently when their parents aren't around, so, in many cases, it's up to the ayi to report the child's disrepectful (and abominable!) behavior. If they don't, then the how is a parent to know?
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Whilst not negating the importance of the parents' attitude to the Ayi (and others - shop assistants, wait staff, drivers, teachers etc) as a role model for the precious child.
I think that some of the problem lies in the fact often the parents do not empower the Ayi with a punishment ability and the Ayi does not want to use such a power.
One solution could be for Jnr to know that Mater and Pater will receive a behaviour report from the Ayi on a regular basis.
It is easy to blame this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour on the fact that we are living in China but is this really true?
The way one parents one's child should be the same in London, New York or Beijing (and all the other cities). What would you be doing at home? At home, in most instances, both partners would be at work. Here frequently only one is working and the other (often the Mum) has suddenly become a person with a lot of spare time.
Additionally, despite the loss of the non-working spouse's income, the family unit's purchasing power is higher than before and frequently a lot of time (and sometimes cash) is invested in wrapping the precious child in cotton wool so as to protect him/her from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
The problem is that if one is not too careful we (the parents) start sounding like Gollum with his "precious".
We, the oh so objective foreigners, often look at the results of the one-child policy and talk about a generation of egocentric spoiled brats. We often fail to realise that our little darlings, if we are not careful, will also grow up to be egocentric spoiled expat brats.
I agree with Hanksmama the problem starts at home. I think that the relationship between the Ayi and the family should be similar (identical?) to the relationship one would encounter in many Western countries between the family and an Au-pair.
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How do you empower your ayi though? I can assure her that she will be not fired for disciplining our kids. But I don't quite know how to show practical examples to her.
Would love some ideas from the crew.
Great article and blog!
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So often, as naughty children, we hear the phrase, "Just wait until your father hears about this." Does anyone have the leverage with their ayi/kid's relationship to counter that statement with, "Just wait until your ayi hears about this!"?
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The only thing I find that works is the threat of punishment from me when I get home. Mind you, as I said previously, usually that is enough. As time goes by though, kids just get to the point where they have to push the boundaries, and it becomes an issue again, especially over doing homework right away when they get home.
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the ayi issue is a controversial one. i agree that we as parents have a lot to answer for. we strongly encourage our own children to treat our ayis with respect. we hope that our children love them and view them as part of our family, just as we do.
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The heartfelt hugs I see Ellie, my 7-year-old, freely give Ayi (who shall through convention always remain nameless, I suppose) tell me that we're doing well in the relationship part, at least.
Another perspective... Just as some parents are ineffective as disciplinarians, some Ayis are no doubt better at it than the parents themselves.
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Absolutely, there are always two sides to any story and as parents I think we need to be open to learning from our Ayis.
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Educating the Ayis as to what is expected of them as far as discipline is in order and would be helpful to everyone. I am sure they also have their own ideas about what the kinks are and how they could be resolved.
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I agree with Hanksmama. It's time to take a look at how you interact with the locals. Children learn by example. If you as a parent treat your hired help with a lack of respect, your children are going to mirror your behaviour. Lets face it, nobody likes a brat.
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Well said Susiesue.
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i agree ayi is a human being who has the right to be treated respectivly as for kid ,let them know how to act in front of ayi the first time ayi is employed treat her as a person and also never late to tell kids ,ayi is to be here to help us ,not to be treated as a slave say "thank you" to ayi anytime she helps us or kids would be spoiled and became a two faces behind mom's back~
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I think this is an example of a major cultural difference. Yes, an Ayi is an employee, but when you consider the nature of their job and the enormous responsibility we give them they deserve much more respect than many people give them.