After several shabby performances on the nightlife scene, I decided it was high time to reboot my party game. I felt the need to be reborn through hardcore silly fun, to smile till my cheeks cramped, to meet Nietzsche’s challenge that, “A man’s maturity consists in having found again the seriousness one had as a child, at play.”

My companion crusader and I planned a one-night Trifecta of Fun:

• three activities

• no bars

• booze optional

• kick-ass fun absolutely mandatory.

Lost as we were, we sought higher wisdom by channeling our inner Dude-ness. The Dude abides. Am I wrong? In that spirit I mixed up a jumbo batch of White Russians, put it in a thermos and we headed off to Gongti 100.

If you haven’t yet visited this fluorescent fortress of shattered solitude, I recommend it. It has balls. It has pins. When you hit them, they fall down. People jabber. They clap. Girls frolic and gracelessly leap into the chubby arms of their mates. Fun ensues. It’s ¥200/hour plus ¥5 for the clown shoes (cheaper weekdays). Fortified by discount homebrew, I challenge you to produce a higher fun-to-fen ratio.

Next up, we re-enacted much of the Karate Kid date scene at Sanlitun’s Game Park next to Lantern). You enter, buy tokens, and leave your adult shame at the counter. They’ve got ice cream and trinket food, and you can order beer. We did that.

We rocked Street Ball, drove Mario Karts, raced motorcycles, did a jungle safari rampage, committed heinous acts of digital gun-violence and topped it off with a spirited head-to-head on Dance Dance Revolution. Our sweat-drenched performance drew an admiring crowd. They could see it. We had it: fun.

Capitalizing on our newfound momentum and cresting buzz, we put the party into overdrive with a trip to the Xinglong Karting Club.

Just off the Gaobeidian “B” subway exit in Xinglong Park, this go-kart club has everything you need—cheap bottled beer, popcorn, checkered-flag-themed lounge and chandeliers made of beer bottles. Plus they’ve got tiny cars that go real fast—some up to 50 km/h! For ¥200, you get three five-minute rides, popcorn, and a pitcher of soda.

We knocked a few back before getting suited and booted in genuine go-kart racing fineries. Our pit crew led two fire-breathing steeds to the starting line, we mounted, the flag dropped and it was on! We mashed metal, burned rubber, shouted obscenities, snorted and giggled like tweens at a Justin Bieber show.

This my friends, is The Fun.