Anyone who has ever spent time in Wudaokou has likely rubbed shoulders with Pyro Pizza and Lush co-owner Rich Akers. From regular appearances at Lush open mic nights to cooking up some of the best pies in town, Akers is a Wudaokou institution. He took CW along for a day in his shoes.

5:00 Wake up. Go home. Jump in the shower. Ready for the day!

6:50 Wanna know why pizza store workers are always busy? Cause we “knead” the dough! Wow. Way to get this article off on the wrong foot. Head down to Pyro Pizza to uh, knead some dough, Chinese style. Master Shu says I’m now a turquoise belt. Apparently that means we ride free on the subway.

8:00 Off to Lush for breakfast. Eat a ”breakfast stuff”—the best way to start the day—while studying Sun Tzu’s Art of War. Best US$1.99 I ever spent on iTunes. Wonder how much better it would have been if narrated by Jackie Chan. Or Roger Moore. Today’s chapter: XIII The Use of Spies. “Spies are the most important element in war, because upon them depends an army’s ability to move.” Ooh! They have Glee on iTunes?

8:07 Purchase Season 1 of Glee on iTunes. Best US$41.86 I’ve ever spent on iTunes.

10:00 Decide to take a page out of Sun Tzu’s iPod and do a little competitor research. Disable the guards by asking for the manager. Give it up again for my turquoise belt in systems management. May have uncovered a secret plan to manufacture chemical weapons, but it could just be the mayonnaise for the tuna and corn pizza. Either way, I’m not eating it.

12:00 Focus group interview. Trying out our new pizza on our target demographic. I think it went well.

14:00 Strategy meeting with Johnny O and Jade G for the new top secret project. We didn’t sacrifice a small goat, but we should have. This plan is diabolical. I can’t say too much, but delete these lines. Write over them with a black marker like they’ve been censored by the CIA.

16:00 Strategy meeting with Josh “Vegas” Lally for Lush Rush next week. Couldn’t decide on whether to do ¥5 vodka shots or ¥5 tequila shots. All good. We decide to settle our argument using the time-honored method: blindfolded beer pong. Josh wins. Tequila it is. We drink a shot to celebrate.

I8:00 Wudaokou Fight Club. Oops! Just broke rule number one—and rule number two. Decide to check out the Wudaokou Book Club instead. Dammit! Broke rule number one again.

19:00 Back home to run my Random Daily Dungeon—just can’t get enough Warcraft.

20:00 Off to Lush to set up for open mic night. Packed house again tonight. Man, I don’t know how we got this lucky, but my dream of waking up at a respectable hour on Monday morning will continue its abysmal record. Our house bassmaster Nick Banks shows up with his trademark bass amp, which is bigger than he is. Wudaokou wunderkinds Jason and Kanene Pipkin-Doneghy show up shortly, followed by Lucy and Matt, and they’re all ready to rock. Tavey and my arch nemesis Handsome Rich swagger in like they own the place. My lovely fiancée Inna materializes on a glittery beam of moonshine shaped like a stripper pole.

21:00 Crack my first Corona.

PS: Sorry about the pizza joke at the beginning of this piece. I was under word count and very drunk.