Day in the Life: The American
American expat Zach Fander has strong opinions about America and, as you’ll see below, he’s not afraid to express them
Morning
7:40 a.m. Alarm goes off but I’m too tired to get up, so I hit the snooze button a few times.
8:06 Finally get up, look out the window and ask myself, “What was it again that made me leave the clear skies of the Great Plains?”
8:15 Finish my bowl of Wheaties and take my vitamins.
Work
8:35 Off to work, I’m feeling good so I rock out to a little Lynyrd Skynyrd on the way.
9:13 Decide to check the news on the only true American news site, Fox News. Realize tornados have struck my hometown.
9:15 Give my mom a call to make sure everything is fine. Family is alright but my mother launches into a tirade about her 'dislike' for Barack Obama. Tells me how the only good thing he has done is beat Hillary Clinton.
Sports
10:00 Time to check the world of sports. Kansas City Royals lost to the New York Yankees, what else is new. Lakers are up a couple on the Celtics. I need the Lakers to win to make it a good series and increase my cash flow.
10:53 Check in to see what the bosses are up to.
10:54 Could not sit there and listen to a conversation about the European SOCCER Cup. I do not care who wins! Well, as long as it’s not the French.
11:53 Lakers win!!! Steak and Jack Daniels on me tonight.
Lunch
12:05 p.m. Off to meet a friend for lunch by his office.
12:17 Walk into the new shopping center next door and notice it contains McDonald’s, Subway, Dairy Queen, Papa John’s, and Starbucks! Seeing a site like this makes me proud to be American. To McDonald’s we go.
12:21 Yes, I want that super-sized.
12:49 Finish eating but I’m still hungry. I’m a bit disappointed that super-size here is between small and medium size back home.
Afternoon
2:17 Yes! My subscription to The National Review and Guns and Ammo just arrived. Should I start with articles about how environmentalism is the new communism, or how laws allowing us to carry concealed weapons make us safer? Let’s start with the guns.
3:31 Time to check Bloomberg TV and see what’s going on in the markets. Damn, it’s highlights of an Obama campaign rally. I don’t know what’s more annoying: the number of times Obama says “Change,” or how often CCTV says “Harmonious Society.”
4:00 Having trouble buying plane ticket to Mongolia for next week. There is a communication problem, so I do the only thing an American would do in this situation: I start yelling louder. It works! Things would be so much easier if everyone in the world spoke English.
4:55 Eat some tuna to get a little extra protein in me before I head to the gym.
Gym
5:30 Finish work, off to the gym.
5:36 My gym is quite close to the office, but I’m not walking; screw global warming. CABBIE!
5:38 I’ve dealt with too many non-Americans at work today, so I give my hometown buddy here in Beijing a call to chat about the States. Hunter tells me about some of the new recruits the Nebraska Cornhuskers have in college football (the real football, not the one where players who are barely touched fall to the ground and cry like sissies).
6:45 Doing some bench presses, but I keep getting distracted by the tight outfits the girls are wearing.
7:30 Finish up with bicep curls, got to keep the gun show going strong.
Steak
8:15 Up the street for steak, but once again I’m not walking, CABBIE!
9:07 The steak is ok, oh how I long for a proper T-bone from Middle America.
9:50 Back down the street for Jack Daniels and pool. CABBIE!
Pool
10:37 My friend and I are having a dispute about who’s up next on the table. As he tries to grab the pool queue from me, I inform him, “I’ll give you the queue when you take it FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.” Needless to say, I play the next game.
11:17 I am cleaning up at pool.
12:00 a.m. One more Jack on the rocks before I leave; it’s a work night.
Home
12:33 Get home, quick shower, brush the teeth and get everything ready for tomorrow.
12:55 Bed time prayers: God bless my family, God bless George W. Bush and God bless the United States of America!
Comments Add a public comment
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But what's the answer to Warren Johnson's questions?
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Zach is a very real person, who has lived in Beijing for several years.
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There are quite a few expat mags, all competing for my time. Thank you for allowing me to cross yours off my reading list. If you think this clown's opinions are worth reading you've got rocks in your head. Speaking of which, he needs to change his weights routine - the muscles are all between his ears.
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So no one else found this even SLIGHTLY tongue in cheek and hilarious? As a quite different sort of American I was very, very amused.
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I love it - the GirlieMen take offence! This is too funny. Zach is the epitome of what made America great in the first place.
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No name calling, please, or we will be forced to take the post down. Thanks!
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woot woot you rock Zach! Laughed out loud! Be the WORLD! peace in always, always in peace, sw
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So, what's the deal? Leemack, you said "Zach is a very real person." But was he messing around and trying to get a rise out of your readers, or not? artist4peace makes it sound as if Zach was trying to be funny. Confused.
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Zach is real. As far as I know, that was his day. There was no requirement to have him talk it up. Anyone who knows Zach, knows that he's honest about his political stance.
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Sent to CW via email "As a long-time reader of your magazine, I wanted to give some feedback about your most recent "Day in the Life" column. I am not offended by Zach Fander's comments or your decision to feature him. After all, freedom of speech is a cornerstone of American values. My contention, however, is with your comments in the "What We Think" section at the end of the column. Fander's conservatism should not make him more of a "true blue patriot" , nor does it make liberalism "wishy-washy". His opinions do not give him more patriotism, nor do they outweigh a liberals nationalistic pride. It's surprising that CityWeekend outwardly credits his views as being more American-- more the "real deal". Conservative patriotism does not nullify liberal patriotism. A strong conservative does not automatically equate to a weak liberal. American pride is not filtered by a political party sieve."
Anonymous
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Sent to CW via email:
"As a long-time reader of your magazine, I wanted to give some feedback about your most recent "Day in the Life" column. I am not offended by Zach Fander's comments or your decision to feature him. After all, freedom of speech is a cornerstone of American values. My contention, however, is with your comments in the "What We Think" section at the end of the column. Fander's conservatism should not make him more of a "true blue patriot" , nor does it make liberalism "wishy-washy". His opinions do not give him more patriotism, nor do they outweigh a liberals nationalistic pride. It's surprising that CityWeekend outwardly credits his views as being more American-- more the "real deal". Conservative patriotism does not nullify liberal patriotism. A strong conservative does not automatically equate to a weak liberal. American pride is not filtered by a political party sieve." - Anonymous
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All good points. We also noted that we admire (the courage to say stuff like this in public), but also fear it (why someone would equate communism with environmentalism is beyond us.
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A lot of the world thinks the American right is rather ridiculous, and that the American right defines the country. Did City Weekend play to that prejudice?
If so, I'd like to offer you a challenge. I challenge you to select a stereotype from each country and give them a full page Day in The Life profile. You could start with a 14-year old construction worker and call him "The Chinese." Or you could find a Sanlitun hash dealer and call him "The Nigerian." Or a Russian call girl and call her "The Russian."
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Don't forget the snaggletoothed soccer hooligan with a Queen fetish and call him "The British".
All kidding aside why would you showcase anyone who obviously has an utter disdain for this country - why is he even here? It makes it difficult for the rest of us Yankees.
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Seriously. I've met this guy, he does exist. It's sad man, but let him have his time. But please let everyone know that this guy represents what's worst about America, not whats best.
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Amazing. Guess it just goes to show that ignorance is bliss. It must be very difficult for the poor Zach constantly having to suppress the facts and truth and clinch to the lies that constitute the anesthetizing worldview presented by the corporate owned mass media. Dear Zach, wake up… It’s not too late. You seem like a smart guy. Why don’t you spend a few hours on a little research into the truth of recent years events. Try looking into the dealings of Prescott Bush. That’s Bush’s granddad and Bush’s dad. Try using 10 min. Looking at what actually happened on 9/11. Look at the pictures of Pentagon after the attack. Ask yourself this. The hole on the wall of the Pentagon after the attack was 14-16 feet across, how is it that a Boeing 757 being 25 feet across could fit into this hole? How could a Boeing 757, made of the lightest and softest of materials, penetrate TWO armored concrete walls? Why is there no airplane debris on the ground? Why are there no pictures of the plane hitting the Pentagon? This being one of the most monitored buildings in the world, it seems strange that there is not one picture of the plane hitting. Why did all the buildings at WTC come down as by controlled demolition? Why did WTC building 7 come down? It wasn’t hit by anything and wasn’t even close to the twin towers. Why did a number of stock brokers buy put options on American Airlines and United Airlines just prior to the attacks? Why did the US defense ministry not inform the public that they were holding a drill enacting a terrorist attack on WTC using commercial airplanes on exact same date as the 9/11 attacks? Why was all evidence removed from the crime scene immediately after the attack? All the steel framing was sent to India and China to be melted down. Why is it that independent researchers found large amounts of aluminum powder and metal oxide? These being the main ingredients in Thermite, used for controlled demolitions of steel frame buildings. Only difference being that the traces found at WTC also contained barium nitrate. Turning the Thermite into Thermate used by the US military. How is it that a steel reinforced building could collapse due to “intense heat produced by the ignition of jet fuels that weakened the steel joints of the building and subsequently led to a complete collapse” when the maximum temperature jet fuel can reach is 1500 F and the melting point of structural steel used in buildings is 2700 F? Dearest Zach I could go on and on with these questions, but as mentioned above, you seem like a smart dude, so I’m sure you will start doing some research by yourself. When you are trough with the 9/11 scam, then try looking into the set-up of US federal reserve. You probably think it’s operated by the US government, well sorry to say, it’s not. The Federal Reserve is run by private bankers, Woodrow Wilson 1913, lending out money to the US government at interest rates they dictate themselves, and the taxes you think go to bettering the society for all Americans, actually go to pay off the interest rates of the private bankers, hence making these guys a lot of money. Zach my man, when you have looked into some of these facts, I am sure you will be thirsting for more of the RealThruth, so to get you started, look into what happened when the US joined in WW I and WW II, what really happened in Vietnam and Korea finally look into why the US are currently in Afghanistan and Iraq. No, it has nothing to do with Osama B, he died many years ago. (check the uncensored BBC interview with Benazir Bhutto just before she was murdered.
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Wow, who is this guy, why is he here? All he does is complain that its not like the U.S. This comment did it for me:
"Things would be so much easier if everyone in the world spoke English"
I really hope he was just joking. I can't stand foriegners like this, if you live in Beijing make an effort to speak their language, rather come here and expect everyone to accomodate you becasue you're an American.
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As an American myself, Zach represents the majority of inland Americans, but not so much American aboard. How did the authorities let this guy slip through their fingers at the boarders is beyond me. I got quite a laugh from the read. I am not so sure because of the gun control t-shirt he is wearing, or because Zach’s physical resembles the character from that Fox cartoon “American dad”. Oh yeah, he watches FOX news.
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Its a funny piece. I'm sure he's loving the comments - designed to provoke or not - it sure got some people excited. Do realize, that some of us Americans find it humorous to see how easy is it to get everyone's panties-in-a-bunch. Is Zach for real? Shit, Zach probably doesn't know himself...I'm sure he's just dishing out shit he learned from his surroundings like the rest of us, or just having fun pissing people off. Meanwhile, none of us should separate the ugliness that can exist in America with the ugliness that can exist in the human condition in any country. And hopefully some of you out there feel that the U.S, above all others, has contributed greatly to improving the human condition over the past 100 years. As far as making an effort to speak the language..... is that the ultimate judge of a person's character? Who loses if he doesn't speak the language? With that being said, everyone likes a small ass, no one like's a smart-ass... and we'll all chuckle a bit when Zach gets decked some day by someone who is more bite than bark.
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my username explains it all. this guy makes me lie to people about not being american.
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You think this is funny? King George Dubya is a war criminal directly responsible for hundreds of thousands of iraqi civilian deaths, including kids and women. Zach should crawl back to his farmland and take care of his goats!
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If Zack doesn't like Beijing or China, he can always go back to his middle Ameica. Does Zack know that quarter of the world population speak some sort of Chinese? I am an American myself. I am ashamed to have a fellow American like Zack in Beijing.
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Isn't gambling illegal in China - I mean we all do what we want behind closed doors but a bit strange for City Weekend to showcase someone's vices - even if Zach can't keep his yap shut.
Can the editors do a hash and hooker "crawl"??? That would actually be worth reading!
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Wow, I have to say I am impressed by the amount of comments the above article has received. So here's my two sense:
For all of you that wrote essays on this: You shall be in my prayers, because you wasted a lot of your time and energy on something that was a mockery of American stereotypes; so may God save your worrying souls
For Zach: Awesome article dude! You will be in my prayers too, right before George W. Bush and the people who took the article seriously!
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Sent to CW via email:
City Weekend should not publish something of this sort about a miniscule person like Zach. If Zach doesn't like China or Beijing, he can always go to hell or return to middle America where he comes from. I am an American living and working in Beijing for many years. Does Zach know that 25% of world population speaks some sort of Chinese. BTW, true English came from UK, they call football football. It is American who changed a bastardized rugby to call it "football."
We don't need another fool like Geroge W as the US president. It is people like Zach got Bush re-elected.
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THIS guy is a representative for America?? Wow any wonder Americans get a bum rap! Go home, your ignorance is insulting and your intellegence is non-existent! And when does he do any work? Great, a fabulous example of the hard working expat.
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Whether this article was intended to be tongue in cheek or not, Zack is a far cry from the "real deal", as suggested, but rather the epitome of the ugly American and precisely why many people dislike Americans abroad. Zack is nothing short of an embarrassment to our country. He should move back to the Midwest where he can't do any more harm to our image abroad.
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wow so many angry messages from angry people... I know Zach quite well, and i'm sure he speaks chinese better than most of you do...
I don't know if american people all make payers for Georges Bush or if they all carry a gun...but one thing is sure, from these comments: very few of them have sense of humour or second degree...
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Haha, I highly doubt his chinese level, after having trouble completing the simple task of booking plane tickets. Its ok Zac, just use your english champ. Some of my good friends are Americans, even they are embarrassed by guys like this.
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bast, if Zack can say more than Ni Hao, then yes - his Chinese is better than mine. But I don't live in China. Okay, maybe I was too hard on Zack (provided this article was tongue in cheek). I should probably criticize the magazine for printing such an ignorant piece of trash that does nothing more then perpetuate the negative stereotype of Americans abroad.
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doesn't anyone enjoy satire anymore?
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doesn't anyone enjoy satire anymore?
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From a reader: "I couldn't help but be horrified when paging through the most recent issue, on America's Independence Day no less, and being confronted with Zach Fander. Does this guy really exist? City Weekend's staff must be made up of people that make a hobby of cataloging America's ills -- I've met plenty, so I shouldn't be surprised if several are on your staff -- and fabricated that guy out of every stereotype they've ever heard. Did you think the piece would be funny, or was your plan to insult a sizeable portion of your readership?"
Warren Johnson Beijing