Underrated theme park Happy Valley is best option for detoxing socially

No doubt there are things you can do in Beijing that don’t require alcohol, but it doesn’t mean those activities aren’t better without a little jiujin. Bowling is better. Gallery hopping is better. Trivia night is much better. Even running, as the Hash House Harriers prove, is improved with a Yanjing in hand. How, after a couple nights on the town, does one return to good health without becoming a recluse? With this question in mind, my mission was clear: find something, somewhere in Beijing that not only doesn’t require booze, but is better without it.

The search did not end until I made my way to Happy Valley. I would be remiss in giving a direct plug (without any sort of red envelope) were it not for the fact that this truly remarkable establishment seems to have gone so much under the radar. Nearly everyone I have spoken to knows of it. However, long-term expats, even those who have written guidebooks on the capital, have stayed away. This is a mistake. The place is incredible. It has over 40 rides scattered over nearly 100 acres. The Crystal Wing, China’s largest roller coaster, is fast enough to entertain without the help of a few drinks and rough enough to make even the spongiest tippler lose their lunch. Scattered between Happy Valley’s sub sections—Aegean Harbor, Ant Kingdom and Shangri-la to name a few—the park’s varied performances range from a poor man’s mixtape to historical re-enactments of Cortez meeting Montezuma. “I saw dozens of Chinese actors as Spanish explorers, wearing blonde wigs and unleashing floods from Mayan ruins,” said Kira Dubas of her visit. “It was absurd enough to inspire bewildered wonderment without any alcoholic assistance.”

In the three years that I’ve lived in Beijing, this is the first place I’ve found that is social, where you won’t drink and that includes everyone. Here is my suggestion: Go to Happy Valley on a day when you’re ready for anything, but your liver needs a break. Besides polygamy, it’s the most Mormon fun you can have in Beijing.

Jonathan Haagen