When Wild Animals Don’t Attack: Panda pansies learn to how to fight on the playground of life
The Chinese government is planning to use police dogs to teach captive-bred pandas how to fight like real animals. The decision was made after Xiang Xiang, the world’s first artificially-bred panda to be released into the wild, was found dead after less than a year of freedom, apparently falling from a tree after being bullied by wild pandas. The new program would add a layer to the lengthy process of feralizing the domesticated creatures which already includes showing them videos of other pandas getting it on. Moral of the story? Freedom is bad, panda porn is good, and “don’t bully pandas” ought to added to the government’s “Eight Prides, Eight Shames” behavior campaign.

The New News
Last month, CCTV’s venerable Nightly News Broadcast introduced four new anchors, causing a stir in media circles. While pundits wondered about the relevancy of it all, we asked Beijing style guru Meili Autumn what she thinks about the new faces of the national news.

1 - Guo Zhijian: “The popular one: he loves his cherry chapstick and purple ties. Sometimes wears blush to accentuate his jolly cheek bones, also likes the fact it matches his tie.”
2 - Kang Hui: “Knows that Guo Zhijian is the looker of the group and plucks his eyebrows to give him an edge. Wants everyone to know that he chose to wear the color purple before Guo did.”
3 - Hai Xia: “The madame of the group. Beneath that crisp collared shirt and royal blue suit is a woman who loves her flowbee hair dryer. The perfectly puffy hair showcases the wonders of that vacuum-powered hair cutting wonder.”
4 - Li Zimeng: “She can't fool us with the soccer-mom haircut, we see the minx she really is, with the tightly tailored suit and one less button. When she raises that eyebrow, she has us mysteriously captivated by China's current events.”

China Says

No Double Standards in Front of Pollution
Southern China Weekly
"Foreign companies in China with highly polluting industries are considered ‘relatively green’ (because similar Chinese factories have even lower standards). This way of thinking is very harmful."

No Ban on Hollywood Movies
China Film
"The Bureau of Radio, Film and Television informed China Film that no ban was or will ever be made on Hollywood movies. It all depends on local film distribution companies which Hollywood movies to import."

The World Says

Beijing May Green for the Olympics, but Long-term?
The New York Times
“Beijing is like an athlete trying to get into shape by walking on a treadmill yet eating double cheeseburgers at the same time.”