Win two tickets to the PUNCHLINE COMEDY show!
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Description -
Win two tickets to see The Punchline Comedy Club's inaugural show in Beijing!
While seating is first come, first serve, guarantee yourself a night of roaring laughter by being the winner of this contest.
For more information about the event, Click Here
TO WIN: Answer the following challenge in the comment box below. The best answer wins the two tickets. Preference is given to those who are active on the City Weekend online community.
Here's the challenge:
Tell us your best joke!
Contest ends October 12, 2008 Event is on October 16, 2008
Comments Add a public comment
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Having to work during the October National Day holidays while everyone is at the beach.
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what does china not have many telaphones? because there are too many wangs and they might ring the wrong number....
but you have to see it like
"because there are too many wang's and they might wing the wong number."
-It's My dad's Joke so if i win (hahah) the tickets go to him :)
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Teacher: "What do you call a blind deer?" Student: "err ... no idea" Teacher: "Right!" Student: "!!!!"
Teacher: "What do you call a stationary blind deer?" Student: "erhhh ... still no idea" Teacher: "Correct again." Student: speechless
Yes it is a little corny .... I know!
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Negotiators in China are a murky bunch; they will never say "yes" or "no" while trying to reach a deal, they will simply keep on talking and serving you drinks until money falls out of your pocket.
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What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
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Two Firemen were having sex in a smoke filled room when the chief rushed in. "What the heck is going on", he asked. One of the firemen retorted, "Sir, he has smoke inhalation". "Why did'nt you try mouth to mouth recessitation?"the chief ask. The fireman on top answered, "How do you think this got started in the first place".
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A shortsighted hat seller is napping under a tree when he suddenly wakes up to find that a group of jeering monkeys has stolen all his hats and spirited up the tree with them.
Understandably ticked off, the hat seller yanks off his own hat and flings it to the ground. True to form, the monkeys in the tree screech and, in an ecstasy of monkey-do-it-too-ness, fling their hats down too. The hat seller picks up the hats and continues his business, wakefully.
30 years later, the grandson of this hat seller (who, glory be, is also a hat seller, it is perhaps genetic?) sets up shop under this selfsame tree. He falls asleep and wakes up to find --surprise!--a group of monkeys has made off with his hats and each are lounging stylishly in the branches.
Not one to diss the lessons of the past, the hat seller takes off his hat and flings it to the ground, as his grandfather did before him. This time, though, the monkeys do not follow suit.
A lone monkey makes his way down the tree, knuckles over to the hat and snatches it up. Upon returning to his branch, he perches the hat on his head in the only way one can "perch" a hat in English (and that way is "jauntily"). The monkey clucks his tongue and says to the bewildered hat seller;
"What, you think you're the only one with a grandfather?"
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This joke has a physical aspect, which I will deftly recreate here in this comment box.
Me: "Two sausages are in a frying pan..." (I writhe on the left side of the room, representing the sausage on the left. Repeat on the right side. The whole time, whispering in a cute voice "fryin', fryin'......")
Me: "Then one sausage looks at the other and says..." (I sort of cut my eyes rightward, to illustrate that the sausage is talking to the sausage on the right, and also that sausages have no necks)
Me: "and says 'Whew!! It's hot as hell in here!'" (right after this comment, with perfect comedic timing and witty expression, I make an unutterably shocked face)
Me: "Then the other sausage says "OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!"
Note: This final line must be delivered in a voice loud enough to rattle the windows. Try as hard as you can to express pure shock and terror. Do this as though you were witnessing something which would cause even a pro-wrestler to shriek WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIE.
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An old man arrives at the gates of heaven. He is met there by Jesus, who is filling in for St. Peter. (Heaven would not be Heaven without smoke breaks any time you like).
Jesus is interviewing the entrants into Heaven, presumably for their Profile pages, so he asks the old man about his life.
"It's a sad story. I was a carpenter, and I had a son whom I loved dearly. He was always helping out at the shop. But one day he got involved with some bad influences and left me. They eventually killed him."
This whole time Jesus has been listening with tears in his eyes. He drops his Holy Quill, and embraces the man, joyously crying "Father!"
And the old man says "Pinnochio?"
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one day someone called "mantou" is walking along the street,and then he feeled hungry so he eat up himself
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This one is an oldie... but goodie:
There a boat with a Chinese guy, a Russian Guy, a Mexican guy, and an American. They're all taking a trip, when suddenly they realize the boat is starting to sink. They all panic and come up with a plan to throw over some out some stuff to reduce the weight on board.
So the Chinese guy gets all his rice and throws it over. Everyone else asks, "why'd you throw over the rice!?" He responds, "I'm from China, where they have plenty of rice." "Ah, I see," they reply.
Next, the Russian picks up all his vodka and throws it overboard. "Why'd you do that?!?" everyone else asks. "Well, I come from Russia, where we have plenty of vodka." "Ok... sounds fair," they respond.
Then, the Mexican picks up his beans, and throws it over. "Why'd you throw that over," the three others ask. "Well, we have plenty of beans in Mexico," he responds.
Finally, the American comes and pushes the Mexican over. "Why'd you do that?" the two others ask. "Well... I'm from America, and we have plenty of them in my country."
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone by this joke. It was said in fun! I promise! I love Mexicans, I swear!
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Q: What did Batman say to Robin before getting into the Batmobile?
A: Get in the car Robin.
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happylittlep should win, that was the by far the funniest thing i have seen written here.
A baby fur seal walks into a club...
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God Save The Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Share this only with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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What does China and Courtney Love have in common? Milk that is not fit to drink!
;)