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Let's Talk About Sex: My One Night Stand Claims She is Pregnant

What to do when a night of indiscretion comes back to haunt you with a vengeance

 

Every month our sexperts take questions from our readers. Read on for this month's dilemma

 

I'm in a committed long-term relationship and had a drunken one night stand. I'm wracked with guilt and to make matters worse my one night stand claims she is pregnant and is now demanding money. What do I do?

 

The Male View

Joe Schaefer

 

How do you measure the mettle of a man? Some would say war is the true test of one's resolve. Others would argue raising a child is where a man must summon his greatest strength. The only thing I know for certain is that I would rather be changing diapers in a Mosul crater than be in your shoes right now. You better hope your mettle extends right up to the roofing, because there is a big ol' s***storm on the horizon and its about to unload directly on top of you.    


The first thing you should do is squash any hope of maneuvering out of this pickle unscathed. The barometric pressure has dropped and you're in the eye of a raging turd tempest. It's time to come clean in one big WikiLeaks-style truth dump. Admit to all the cheating, the amount you've been lying, how you didn't actually get gonorrhea from the swimming pool. There is no point holding anything back at this juncture. You are walking directly into the gale force wind and you'll need a clean conscience before the really dirty stuff hits. 


Hopefully all the groveling and confessing allows you to salvage the remains of your relationship, if not the remains of your clothes from that smoldering pile of crap in the apartment hallway. The next stage of the storm is going to be a whole lot easier with someone in your corner. Now you get to deal with your unwanted pregnancy, which is an extremely delicate situation. I'm not sure if you're facing extortion or abortion, but neither is cheap. I sure hope you saved up for a very rainy, very sh***y day. 


Who knows, maybe you'll end up having the kid. Perhaps your true test is raising him to be less dumb than you are.

 

The Female View

Chelsea Stone

 

Congratulations! You just won a one-way ticket to Crazy Town! Hope you enjoy this wild ride because assuming you get there in one piece, this will be where your journey ends.

 

Your story reminds me of my 9th grade health class. In the class on STI's my teacher told us a story about a "good girl." She worked hard in school, was a star on the volleyball team. She had parents who loved her and a boyfriend whom she thought she loved. But then she decided to (gasp!) have pre-marital sex with him, and she walked away with a nasty, irrevocable case of genital warts. It only takes one time, folks. And then we all left class to rush to the library to look up what genital warts is. (I'm old, we didn't have Google yet.)

 

My point is: you drew the short straw. The really, really short straw. We all make mistakes. We all have a couple friends who deserve to have caught herpes five times over by now at the very least! But they've somehow escaped unscathed. Maybe you are that friend, and this karma was long overdue. Either way, I'm sorry, dude. That sucks.

 

If you're rich or have rich parents, lawyer up or pay her off. If you don't have money at your disposal, talk to her and figure out the least painful way to give her what she wants so she'll leave you alone. There's a good chance she a.) may not be pregnant at all, b.) isn't pregnant with your baby, or c.) won't stay pregnant with your baby. Treat the encounter like you would a game of poker. Don't trust her. Call her bluffs. Play your hand close to your chest, and if it becomes apparent you're holding a losing hand, do your best to minimize the amount you're going to lose. Hell, if you're callous and desperate enough, pull the ultimate ghosting: leave the country and never contact her again.

 

Either way, please break up with your poor long-term partner. You done f****d up and they deserve better than you. Even if you hadn't gotten or didn't get this girl pregnant, you still cheated on your partner. I don't care if you're "wracked with guilt." Your partner is the one that will suffer if (more likely, when) they ever learn the truth about your one night stand. Spare them the pain and move on with your life, and deal with the consequences of this crappy situation as best you can. Good luck!

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