If you're anything like me, for weeks you've asked Siri for hourly reminders counting down to the greatest of all holidays. Valentine's Day is like Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa all rolled into one, made decidedly sexist, and wrapped in a pink, heart-shaped Hello Kitty box. Men, is there anything better than being expected, for no particular reason, to make absurd gestures expressing your love, all the while being compared to lofty precedents like Heath Ledger's performance of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" on the bleachers of Padua High School? Like it or not, you've got to do something for your special someone. We all know that love isn't free, but there's no reason it can't be really really cheap. I'm talking RMB5 cheap. Here's how:

1) We're not all romantics who can pull off over-the-top sappiness. Sometimes its easiest just to buy a gift, and since the development of the earliest forms of currency, the most affordable way to buy gifts has been to steal them. Contemporary Shanghai is no different. If you're going to be breaking the law anyway, you might as well go big. Some girls will be happy with a diamond, whereas others will only be happy with several diamonds. Chow Tai Fook on Nanjing Lu has a great selection of Chinese designed and manufactured jewelry to fit any budget, assuming you have a swift enough hand and a basic understanding of laser guided security systems.

Cost: RMB0

2) Movie night is a staple of any relationship. But for RMB5 you can't just waltz into any bootleg DVD store and buy a movie. You'll need to get it on the street and you'll probably need to barter. Be sure to take no more than RMB5 with you so that you can easily convince the man peddling DVDs that RMB5 is all you have left in the world and you'd like nothing more than to trade those RMB5 for an unauthorized copy of The Notebook. Then, tell your girlfriend you have an amazing evening planned. Assuming she‘s even heard of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique she'll have the decency to ask if she can bring anything, to which you should respond "You bring the wine and I'll take care of everything else." Everything else of course is just The Notebook and the three or four Barry White songs you already have on iTunes.

Cost: RMB5

3) Perhaps the greatest perk of expat life in Shanghai is the employment compensation package, complete with an expense account. So, you're going to want to make sure your girlfriend has one of those. Most plans have a stipulation that if the employee works past a certain after-hours time, he/she will be reimbursed the cost of dinner. For the sake of romance this Tuesday, call your lady's office using a series of accents to disguise your voice and occupy her with nonsensical client complaints, sales requests, financial advice or kitten adoption opportunities well past whatever the cutoff is for free dinner. Then surprise her at her office with a bouquet of flowers you picked off the bushes in Fuxing Park and tell her that she deserves a good meal on Valentine's Day. Be sure to get the fapiao.

Cost: RMB0

4) Every girl appreciates a little creativity. If my understanding of Chinese vegetable markets is correct, RMB5 can buy nearly a month of groceries and certainly more then enough to wow even the most hard-to-please of Valentines. Not seeing the connection? It's simple. Nothing interests girls more than the story of how two people met (spoiler alert: they get together in the end!). She'd have to be heartless to not appreciate a puppet show of her own fairy tale story acted out entirely using fresh vegetables. Be sure to put some time and consideration into your vegetable character selections. No matter how loving and thoughtful your dramatization is, if you ignore this step her first question will certainly be "Why was I an avocado with cherry tomato boobs?" Call it something clever like "Romeokra and Aruguliet" and ask John Williams to write the soundtrack.

Cost: RMB5

But ultimately, we can't put a price tag on love. Maybe this Valentine's Day you should just splurge and do all four for RMB10. What girl wouldn't be swept off her feet by dinner, a movie, diamonds, and a vegetable puppet show? Good luck gentlemen.

Want more wisdom from the cheapest man in Shanghai? Check out his introductory blog post right here.