This week our local love doctors, Joe Schaefer (right) and Ginger wRong Chen (left), are dishing out sex advice on sexting.

I’m a Chinese girl dating a laowai. He loves to text me dirty things when he’s at work and I love it. But my replies always seem to kill the fun (my English is OK but not great). How can I get better at sexting? -Lost (But Still Lusty) in Translation

The Western View

Well you have come to the right place, as I consider myself one of the preeminent sources on sexting, its styles and modern prescriptive usage and am currently working on a reference guide entitled Sexting in a Second Language: A Comprehensive Guide to SSL.

The good news: when it comes to the art of texting nasty, a strong hold on the English language is not necessary. Follow a few basic rules and you should have your BF panting like a randy baboon at his next managers’ meeting.

When constructing a sext, stick with a simple grammatical template, in most cases a basic “subject-verb-object” structure will suffice. First choose your subject, in most cases either you or your boyfriend, although in certain instances a third party is appropriate if not breathlessly welcome. Next settle on a verb. Some options here include, but are not limited to “thrust,” “poke,” “dangle,” “rub” and “gargle.” Be sure to avoid actions such as “chew,” “pierce” and “mangle.”

Finally insert your object (with care, no one likes an overly large text message). No need to use anything exotic here, most intermediate students of English are familiar with the names of fruits and / or vegetables, as well as ordinary desk supplies. If you feel said object is too mundane, adding a degree of moistness will increase titillation.

When it comes to choosing a tense, stick with the present. It gives a sense of immediacy to the narrative and will help motivate your boyfriend to wrap up whatever email he has been working on and hurry the hell home. If you must use the past tense, make it the immediate past, e.g. “I just got out of the shower, and am dripping wet.”

Utilize these tips, and in no time you will be a more effective and confident sexter.

The Chinese View

You are probably expecting some kind of how-to guide, maybe from the Idiot’s Guide series or a Flirting in Your Second Language for Dummies.

Now the thing is, if you are not truly gifted in the linguistic field―or not making a movie, where we see the star suddenly become fluent in a certain new language after a few scenes (repeating after some self-study language tapes)―then please don’t waste your time.

Trying to make progress in the conventional way is time-consuming, energy-demanding and inauthentic.

So forget about improving your language skill. No one says sexting has to be done in English, or any other language for that matter. Always say / think / make love within the scope that you personally can handle. And in this case, it means you should go back to your mother tongue.

What if he can’t understand your Chinese? Just relax and sit back ... let him be the one to deal with the language barrier. Let him be the one sweating over your messages, worrying about killing the fun. Let him be the one constantly asking himself: “Am I getting the underlying messages of her texts correctly?” “Is my response keeping up with the level of dirtiness in her sexting?” or simply, “Am I at least making sense here?”

You would be surprised how motivated guys can be when it comes to anything related to sex. They are big boys. You need not worry for them. They will always find their way if they really want to.

And what’s more, this move of reverting back to Chinese will actually make the sexting between you two more fun, because you will be giving it an exotic touch. Sure, there will be a bit more work on his part, but the work would be more of the aspirational and inspirational variety―like assembling the jigsaw puzzle of a treasure map or deciphering a coded mating song.

Lust can only be enhanced by mystery and excitement. This is called getting enticed by not taking it for granted.