Parents: Take Responsibility!!!
I know I've written about this topic a lot in my column, but I cannot STRESS enough that parents in Shanghai need to stop passing the buck when it come to their kids. Recently I've been hearing a lot of complaining that always starts with "Well, I wasn't there to see it, but my ayi told me that my kids were treated badly by blah blah blah." Ok, first off, let's go back to the very beginning of what you said - you weren't there. Your ayi was. If you weren't there, then make very sure you know ALL the facts before you go off and start putting the blame on someone else. The fact of the matter is that you weren't there so it's really hard for you to know what actually happened. I've also been hearing a lot of "Well, so and so was supposed to be supervising my kids, but instead the kids were just running around not listening to anyone." Ok, let's think about this. Why would your kids act this way? They must think it is appropriate for them to run around and be crazy when you're not around. Why is this? Really, sit down and think why does my child think this type of behavior is ok and where did they learn to act like this. Kids are sponges and a lot of behavior is learned behavior and not innate. You are the parent and no matter how many opportunities there are to outsource your kids in Shanghai, it ultimately comes down to you to teach your kids the difference between right and wrong. If you are appalled by your kids behavior or the behavior of other kids, before you jump to blame someone else, take a good hard look at yourself. Remember you decided to bring a child into the world and with that comes a lot of responsibility. It's time to sit up and take it and stop blaming others.
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Thanks for your comment tmk! I was beginning to think I was the strange one who felt this way. You made the best statement when you said that everything you think you're missing out on now will still be there later on, but the young formadible years won't be. Sometimes parents think that the kids are small so they don't understand much and because they can't interact much they can just be left with people - but it's just the opposite. NOW is the time everyting in their little minds are forming and NOW is the time they need us!
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Wow, Kathy, isn't it fun to be judgmental and point fingers at other parents!!! Sure, maybe we should all marry rich people we don't necessarily love so we can afford to be stay at home moms, be with our kids 24/7 and worry about stupid things like the germs ayi might bring into our house from the bus, or whether we should bathe our babies in bottled water and what not.
The fact that a mom NEEDS to go to work and has to find someone else to look after her kids while she is at work is just one of the sad and unfair things in life that some of us sometimes have to deal with. And it would be great if self righteous and judgmental people like yourself would stop pointing fingers at working moms, who are actually making super human efforts to juggle career, kids and marriage and do it all with a smile on their face.
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Hi Delia, welcome to the Family Matters blog. I appreciate your comments and opinions and you are more than entitled to say whatever you feel as this is the point of a blog.
However, there are a few points I'd like to comment on. First of all, I have to say I am quite confused by your response. I've gone back to reread my entry and I don't understand where your comment about germs from ayis or bottled water is coming from. Nor do I see where your comment on working moms is coming from. If you read my blog you would see that I'm saying parents should take responsibility of their children's behavior if 1) their child is misbehaving, look at the situation before quickly jumping on someone else and 2) look at a situation carefully when you hear it second hand, like from your ayi. Because whenever you hear things second hand sometimes not all the facts are stated. NOT saying your ayi is lying to you, I'm just saying we as parents have a responsibility over our kids to know all the facts before we just pass blame onto others whether you are a working mom or not a working mom. 3) Parental outsourcing, if you read my articles you will see my point is not we must take care of our kids 24/7 but we must take responsibility to ensure they are being taught correctly and not take advantage of the fact that we have such affordable child care here and remain vigilant over our kids when they are in the care of others. I have gone back and reread everything I've written and I don't believe I have ever chastised working moms because I AM a working mom!! I too have to juggle work, career, marriage, and a new baby. I actually work 2 jobs and also do not have the luxury to stay at home with my son 24/7, so why would I bash on myself? I applaud working moms and understand how hard it is to do what we do.
I'm not sure what you are so angry about or what chord I have struck with you or where you have interpreted this as my meaning, but I welcome a conversation with you anytime to clarify my point.
As for your comment on marrying rich people whom we do not love, where did you get that idea from? I am not even going to comment on that because if you are insinuating anything towards me or my marriage, I'd like to say 1) you don't know me 2) you don't know my financial situation nor my husband's and to be calling us rich and all the nasty things you said about me above would make you simply look... "self-righteous and judgemental".
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Kathy,
It is very funny how you pretend not to know what I am talking about, although your original post was written about the same as my complaints on a different forum about my children being treated poorly at YOUR BUSINESS when they were there with my ayi.
Anyways, the comments about stupid things some moms worry about for lack of any really important things to worry about was not a direct response to your post. It was just something very common here among stay at home expat moms, just like the condescending way they treat working moms and insinuate they are not as good moms because they are not at home all the time.
I believe that all kids miss their moms, even when taken care of by loving people (grandparents or a good ayi) and when mom returns to work after a period at home, it is difficult for the kids and they do tend to misbehave during these periods. And on top of the pain caused to mom by seeing their kids upset, they have to deal with all sorts of looks and comments from other moms about how they do not take responsibility for their kids and they "outsource" their upbringing.
Wouldn't you agree though that while parents are not around, the kid does learn behaviors from their caregiver? Does that mean the parents are not responsible? I don't think so. I think it is just of those unfair things I was talking about in my previous post, that parents sometimes have to deal with. You may end up with spoiled children, with whiny children, with violent children. And all you can do is provide a different example and be a role-model and HOPE that eventually your child will understand what is right and wrong and behave the way you do and the way you want him/her to.
I apologize about my "marrying rich people" comment, i did not mean to insinuate that you fall into this category, I am just disgusted at how often you see this in Shanghai.
Delia
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Hi Delia,
I agree completely with what you said about our kids learning things from their caregivers, be it ayi or babysitter, grandparent, friend, even schoolmates and teachers that we can't control. Having been a teacher for almost 5 years I can completely attest to that. I also completely agree with what you're saying how we are to set good examples for them and hope they learn right from wrong. That's exactly the points I'm trying to make. I believe we are agreeing about the same things.
As for your comments on the other forum about your children, I was actually in the United States at the time you posted those and was unaware of what was happening on that site until I returned to Shanghai as I no longer subscribe to email notices. Therefore I am not "pretending" to not know anything when I posted this blog. The situations I was referring to were things my friends were telling me about and irrespective of you. I am sorry if you felt that I was attacking you or pointing you out. I was not.
Have a good night, Kathy
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Holla Kathy!
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Amen. I couldn't agree more. My kids are teenagers now, and although we have lived in Shanghai for pretty much their entire lives, we never, ever outsourced their care until they went to school. I took my kids with me everywhere - everywhere - and China is one of the easiest places in which to do this - so it's ironic that people don't. Today, they are happy, well adjusted kids, we actually like each other, and I look back and treasure those years. I still would rather spend time with them than with most adults! I had kids to enjoy them, and I feel as if I really did. The dinners, the parties, the shopping, the trips - they'll all be there in a few years. The little ones won't.