Dealing with sibling jealousy...

Recently the talks amongst my mommy friends have been about sibling rivalry and jealousy. Now that our babies are entering pre-toddlerhood, and for some full on toddlerhood, I guess naturally we begin thinking about the next child. Unlike most things in life, there is to some extent some control we have over how far apart our kids are. There seems to be two different opinions on how far apart your kids should be in order to minimize sibling rivalry. Some believe if you have the kids closer in age, then they will grow up to be closer, yet the older child could become more jealous because they aren’t old enough to understand what is going on as they are still babies themselves. On the other hand, there are some who believe that if you have the kids further apart in age, there might not be as much rivalry but then they won’t be as close. Who really knows, as I guess there are some truths to both opinions, but in reality siblings are going to have some jealousy as that’s just a fact of life. What we as parents can do is help ease the burden and teach our kids how to share and get along with each other. I know, easier said than done.

My friend Wendy Hsia gave birth to her second daughter Reia 7 months ago. Her first daughter Zoe is now 2 and a half and Wendy is experiencing sibling jealousy on a daily basis. Zoe will tell her mom directly “not to breastfeed and not to hold the baby but hold [Zoe].” Zoe also exhibits indirect jealousy by “reverting to actions of a baby such as bottle feeding, eating baby food, back in diapers, and wanting [her parents] to cradle her to sleep.” There have been times that Hsia has had to hold both daughters at the same time (which definitely helped her get back to pre-baby shape very quickly).

Like many parents who handle sibling jealousy, Hsia patiently reminds Zoe everyday that they love her very much. She also reminds Zoe that “her mommy is also Reia’s mommy and Zoe is Reia’s big sister and therefore Zoe needs to share and protect Reia.” For young children routine and repetition are the best way to learn new skills and Hsia hopes this repetition will sink in one day. In the meantime, Hsia reserves certain activities, like book reading, for her older daughter making these special Mommy Zoe times. Another great tip is creating a reward system for Zoe. For good behavior she collects stickers and when she gets 10 stickers she can get a prize either a new toy or a fun outing to her favorite play place Pigeonland.

In the end, dealing with the social dynamics of two (or more) little people takes patience. Hsia’s best advice is have patience. No one ever said parenting was easy, but in the end it is all worth it. Hsia puts it the best when she says, “The time I have with my girls is limited. By the time they turn into their teens, the chances of them wanting to cuddle me will most likely be none. So I'm going to enjoy them wanting me for now.”