When we moved to Shanghai, our kids had just reached the age where both of them could appreciate the concept of earning an allowance. In case this is an American concept, we pay the kids for doing work or chores around the house. It was a tricky situation trying to introduce this concept at the same time we had fulltime domestic help. I gave the kids some jobs to do like setting and clearing the table, picking their toys up off their floors (a particular pet peeve of mine), and various other small tasks. Mostly this worked well, but it is hard to enforce when we have an ayi doing all these things for us if a job is skipped or a chore is ignored.

In the case of chores, I think giving a small tangible rewards (like a small amount of money in exchange for chores) is reasonable. If the kids don’t do chores, they don’t get the money. However, it can be a bit trickier when you start bribing your kids to do things you expect them to do without compensation. An example from my family is getting ready for school each day without fussing. Our mornings had gotten so loud and so difficult last year, that this year I was determined to have a better morning routine.

We get up about 20 minutes earlier than we did last year, and my kids usually get their stuff done without a lot of yelling and fussing. But it still required a bit of bribing to get my daughter to go through her list (dress, eat, brush teeth, brush hair, pack bag, and go!) without a lot of prodding from me. I was having mixed success until I implemented a points system. For every stress-free morning (as defined by me and my mood) with both kids cooperating, they earned a point. Five points earned a trip to the ice cream shop. It took two weeks to reach five points—so there were some good days and some less good days—but we got there. The best thing, though, is the good behavior has remained (with the ironic exception of this morning) even though I stopped awarding points and prizes for this particular behavior.

I studied psychology in college, so I know about the studies that say people crave, want, and appreciate verbal praise more than material rewards. I think that deep down in all of us this is true. At least I know it is for me. However, I do think with young kids, a mixed approach can be a good compromise. I started with material rewards and now I just shower the kids with praise each morning we make it out the door without mommy screaming “it’s time to go!”