In 1904, American psychologist and educator Stanley Hall “discovered” adolescence. Before this, many societies didn’t recognize adolescence as a distinct phase of life and children were often required to take on adult roles straight out of childhood. Thus, as soon as a child showed signs of maturity—as a boy grew facial hair and a girl developed breast buds—they were deemed ready to work, go to war or have their own children.

Well, 1904 doesn’t seem that long ago, but thankfully attitudes have changed since then. Today, adolescence is generally defined as a transitional stage involving myriad physical and mental changes that begin at the first signs of puberty and end when an adolescent reaches full adulthood.

According to Dr. Bristol, Pediatrician at Shanghai United Family Hospital and Clinics, puberty can start as early as 8 years old. However, typically adolescence begins at 10-11 years of age and ends during a period called late adolescence which occurs between 17-21 years of age.

Emotional Turmoil

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be awkward and sometimes painful. The physical “metamorphosis” brought on by hormonal changes can bring about many emotional and psychological challenges. Parents need to be prepared to deal with all these challenges as we make sure our children transition into adulthood as safely and smoothly as possible.

Girls who go into maturity early are more likely to be self conscious and insecure about their bodies. In contrast, boys maturing early usually have a better self-image as they are often taller and perceived as stronger than their peers. They tend to be more confident and secure, and attract more attention within their social networks.

Studies have also revealed that girls who mature earlier are more likely to diet and are at a higher risk of developing eating disorders as well as engage in risky behaviors, including unsafe sex and drugs. Other issues may also arise during this stage that contribute to emotional and psychological stress such as popularity among peers, peer pressure, bullying and performance at school.

Close Communication

Despite the wealth of information available nowadays from the Internet and classes like biology and sex education, “parents must retain and never neglect their responsibility to inform and positively communicate on physical changes with their children in order to normalize them,” says Azin Nasseri, Shanghai-based psychologist and father of three teenagers.

Carrie Jones, Family Counselor at the Community Center says, “The earlier you address sensitive issues, the easier it is.” So rather than sitting down to have the birds and bees talk with your child when he or she is 14 years old, buy an age-appropriate book about it when they are preschoolers, and answer any questions they have. As they grow older, find other age-appropriate resources that can be the basis of discussions between you and your children.

If parents are not comfortable talking directly about certain issues, it is always possible to seek advice and ask a third party—such as a health professional—to mediate. In fact, Dr. Bristol says, “Usually pediatricians will end a health check visit by covering what the next yearly visit will deal with, thus bringing to the table the physical developments likely to occur during that year and opening the door for questions.” Dr. Bristol adds, “Unfortunately, few parents bring their adolescent children for health checks, especially in Shanghai,” an issue he believes can impact the general health and well-being of kids.

Staying close and connected to children during puberty is a challenge we should take up energetically. Carrie Jones reminds us that establishing good communication grounds early on is a key factor in staying connected. Non-judgmental active listening is especially important, as it instills trust so that teens can feel comfortable revealing their anxieties, worries and feelings while receiving sympathy and understanding from our end.

“Try to be neutral and not over-react or panic when your teen tells you something,” Jones says. When trying to understand or get to the bottom of an issue, Jones says, “The rule is to use open-ended questions as much as possible.” These questions require a more elaborate answer than yes or no and usually begin with “How,” “What” and “Why.” She warns us to be careful with how often we use “Why” as it is often used to express blame.

Emotional Extremes

It is important to note here that adolescence is also the stage during which most children experience love. According to Sarah Marie Lowe from Lifeline Shanghai, a support hotline for expatriates, “Surprisingly, most calls we get from teenagers are about feelings they have for someone in their circle that they have trouble expressing to anyone else.” When talking about the feelings your child might have for someone, whether reciprocated or not, never make jokes, even if they may seem harmless to you. Show support by practicing the above mentioned communication tips so that your child will come to you as a source of support. It is also during adolescence that some kids start experiencing depression or the inclination to harm themselves if going through a rough phase. Watch closely for any of these warning signs: not eating as well as usual, rapid weight loss or weight gain, disturbed sleep, change of friends, tendency to be more aloof than usual and verbal or physical aggressiveness. Consult with a physician if some of these signs surface and last more than a couple of weeks. Never take threats to self-harm or suicide lightly. Take action by arranging for a session with a child psychologist or family counselor immediately.

Pick Your Battles

Teenagers, like children of all ages, need boundaries, but if you're facing a difficult situation with a rebellious child, choose your battles wisely. “Constant criticism cannot be constructive and will only create a communication gap between you and your teenager,” Jones says.

Whereas Shanghai may be safer than many Western cities in terms of crime rate, for a teenager it can be quite wild and dangerous. The legal drinking age in China is 18, but it is not always enforced, and almost never observed with expat kids. Shopkeepers may feel too intimidated to ask and bouncers are often amused by foreign kids seeking entry into their club. Thus, the need arises for parents to be even closer and more communicative with their teenagers in Shanghai.

“Solid values and principles transmitted from parents to their children early on is primordial as it will guide kids to make the right decisions through their teenage years,” says Nasseri. It is a good idea to sit down with your spouse and decide what values matter to you the most as you work together to instill them in your children.

Looking Back, Then Forward

Finally, Jones invites us to look back to the time when we were dealing with puberty and adolescence, and try to remember how the physical changes affected our mental and emotional state. This can help us understand what our children are going through so we can address their needs during this stage.

But remember that each child is unique, and that you should be careful about projecting your feelings about your own adolescence onto your kids. Make sure you are in tune with their needs, worries, challenges and physical changes as you strive to be a solid source of support for them, and help guide them through this important stage of life.

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