"I think older men at night clubs are unattractive and pathetic,” says Yifei, a 26-year-old Chinese gay man in Shanghai. “If I were still single at that age, I wouldn’t be going out to clubs.”

Aging is inevitable, but it’s especially scary for many gay men whose culture worships youth and beauty. I have often wondered what it’s like being someone like my friend Mr. R, who, as well as doing lots of positive work for the Shanghai gay community, teaches English for a living, is single and is in his early 50s.

“Being older, having wrinkles and a potbelly, young guys don’t go for you anymore,” Mr. R pushes his spectacles up the bridge of his nose. “If I had a kid, he’d be at university now. Sometimes I wonder whether my generation of Americans made a mistake of choosing not to have kids.”

As well as teaching, Mr. R’s passion is running around the city doing HIV-prevention work and promoting awareness of the homosexuality community. “I go home every night and think how many brochures I handed out and I feel hugely satisfied,” he says.

Ryan Li, from Qingdao, is the editor of a lifestyle magazine. He’s in his late 30s and, to him, aging means fewer late nights, a sharper focus on his well-being and career, and no more crazy sex. “Getting older is not scary. Gay or straight, we all must grow old,” says Ryan. “I’d like to have a life partner and some time to travel every year. What’s scary is becoming less sexually active.”

However, to some, aging is an attractive thing. “Older men are mature and experienced,” says L, a 26-year old American musician. “I prefer older men.” L defines older as 60 or above. “If he’s clean-cut, well dressed and keeps in good shape, that age is very attractive,” he says. “When I turn that age, I will be in shape, let my hair grow gray and be happy because that’s a wonderful age.”

People say men are like wine: they improve with age. L takes this further: “There’s good wine and bad wine at all ages,” he says. “It all depends on how fresh you keep your grapes. I am a good bottle. I think you’ll be able to drink from me for many, many years to come.”

By Xing Zhao