Years ago, my friend B told me she was bi. “I thought it was something you should know,” she said. Though she had never had a girlfriend or been with a woman, she considered herself bi. Years later, B is now in a committed relationship with a man she is planning to marry, and she still hasn’t been with any women.

Although B feels part of the LGBT community in Shanghai, she feels uncomfortable about going to LGBT events. “Once someone said to me with a weird face: ‘Right, you are bi, and you have a boyfriend…’” B recounts with a shrug, “But I consider myself queer.”

In the LGBT community, the B (bisexuals) and T (transgender) members are often marginalized, even by the gay and lesbian community. “Do you like men or women? Pick one!” is the attitude of many gay people towards bisexuality.

However, deciding whether you want to be with a man or a woman is not like choosing whether to drink tea or coffee. My friend, Oli, is an attractive Frenchman who identifies himself as bi (pronounced “bee” in French). “It depends on how I feel,” he says. “I might feel like being with a man today and a woman tomorrow.”

Bisexuals may have more options in terms of choosing partners, but they are also caught between the very structured hetero and homosexual worlds. Some gays even consider bisexuality a betrayal of sorts.

With the world becoming a more tolerant place, sexuality shouldn’t be seen as just black and white, gay or straight. Oli has thus decided to start a Yahoo! bisexual group for all those who feel attracted to both sexes. “You fall in love with people, it doesn’t matter if they are men or women,” he says.

Many gay people fight all their lives not to be judged. The word “queer” also indicates an acceptance of differences without passing a judgement too quickly. Holding a big banner saying “people are either gay or straight” is, in many ways, as bad as saying “marriage is only between men and women.”

B has found the person who is right for her, but it doesn’t mean she’s straight.