Several weeks ago, I received an email from a 16-year-old boy who called himself HJ, telling me how much he hated himself for being gay. The email read: “I despise myself and I want out. I spent all last year trying to figure it out, but I sometimes get self-destructive and want to completely die.”

After a few emails back and forth, I find out a little bit more about HJ, who goes to one of Shanghai’s schools. When I asked him what he hated about being gay, he told me: “I hate lying to my friends, family and teachers about who I am, but I can’t talk to anybody about it because my school is very Christian and judgmental. I hate seeing the foundation of my faith crumble under my feet but I also don’t want to be part of a faith that hates me for who I am anymore.”

Many aspects of HJ’s life are being impacted. He started changing for PE in the toilet instead of the locker room because he was scared the other kids would think he was watching them change. He stopped sleeping, failed some of his classes, started drinking, smoking and doing drugs. Eventually, he was sent to the school counselor, but was still too afraid to speak about his problems.

Although HJ thinks he is the only gay person in school, he certainly isn’t the only gay kid in Shanghai. Nonetheless, many of them might also find themselves feeling isolated and in limbo.

“Living in Shanghai, I already feel culturally cut off from everyone, and now I feel even more cut off from my family,” says HJ. “Coming out in a Christian school would be hell on Earth.”

I feel really sorry that HJ has to live in such a close-minded community. When you are 16, your family and school are your entire world. I told HJ: “It’s only temporary for you to be in an environment that won’t accept you. In a couple of years, you’ll be going to university and you will have more control over your life and the people who surround you.”

However, no one can be accepted by others if he can’t accept himself. Being attracted to the same sex should be no different from being Asian, Jewish or even vegetarian, and no one should be judged or even hated for being any of these things.

I also told HJ to get out and meet some other gay people. He should see with his own eyes that there are many intelligent, funny and successful people who also happen to like the same sex. They are just normal people living normal lives. I told HJ: “When you are older, you will realize what’s bothering you now is not worth these suicidal thoughts.”

Support for gay kids in Shanghai is very much needed.

By Xing Zhao