I often hear people say: “gay men are all beautiful,” “gay men are so much fun,” or “gay guys party all the time.” Although some of these stereotypes are true, after years of partying and going from man to man, can any of us stay carefree Peter Pans forever?

Thirty may be young, but it’s a problematic age for many of China’s gay men. They are considered “seniors” by gay guys in their early 20s, and many seem to worry about becoming physically less desirable. For those in the closet, they may endure increasing family and social pressure to get married.

“I’m starting to feel anxiety and career pressure,” says a 29-year-old man we’ll call Tai. “My eyesight is getting worse, I have a nasal infection, I don’t function as well physically ... I want to get married now.”

Although Tai is not the only one who is thinking about marriage, some are struggling with the idea because of external pressure. “Perhaps I’ll just marry a woman and have a baby,” says Mo, who’s also approaching 30. Otaku, 25, tells me that his 32-year-old friend is also considering the idea of marriage. “But he thinks getting married is like keeping a bomb by your side–one day it might blow up.”

“Fake marriages” to a lesbian is one choice for gay men around this age, a subject I wrote about in this column a few issues ago. “But it’s really for the sake of other people,” says 30-year-old Dan from Anhui. “I’d be happy to get on with my life [without getting married] if I didn’t have to face such social pressure.” Thirty-two-year-old Savoy has already got his future planned with a fake marriage, “I’m going to get married in two years. It’s all set,” he says. Although some don’t need to worry about meeting social or familial expectations, they still value marriage as much as their heterosexual counterparts. “I’m envious of people getting married,” says 33-year-old Yi Yan from Shanghai, “I always cry at weddings, because I’m envious that the couple could have the blessing from the public.”

Ray, 33, thinks 30-40 is a golden age for men. “But I’d be worried if I’m still single when I’m over 40,” he says. “Gay men are psychologically somewhere between straight men and women, so we want to settle down more than straight men do.”

“Most of what our society traditionally values applies to us too,” adds Yi. “We also want to spend our lives with someone we love. It’s not easy to find the right one, but this isn’t only a gay problem.”

Gay men over 30 certainly have their problems, but perhaps what we all want is the same.