I can spot a homo from 20 paces. I’m rarely fooled. Don’t drink with me unless you want your true inner gay self to be recognized in all its glory. Gaydar of such accuracy is not easily achieved: it requires a lifetime of learning and discipline. Here are a few pointers, in case you’re wondering about a friend, a colleague … or perhaps yourself.

• No. 1: If you watched Milk. Honestly, no self-respecting breeder would watch a movie about a fag, right?
• No. 2: If you are female and have short hair. I see a girl with hair above her ears, I know she’s a sure thing. If she isn’t gay, then she’s at least “turnable.”
• No. 3 If you have ever been in or near Shanghai Studio, you’re probably gay. With Shanghai’s endless selection of breeder bars, why visit a homo bar unless you’re a homo?
  
• No. 4 If you’re a skinny jeans-wearing male. Boys who sport these trendy numbers trying to pass for “metrosexual” aren’t fooling anyone. Oh, I love stereotypes.
  
  

Joking aside, gaydar is more than fashion and it’s still debatable if it even exists. In the past, homos adopted a variety of visible signs to let others know they were family, as it was unacceptable to talk about it in public: a lisp, a mullet or a handkerchief tucked a certain way into a back pocket.

The need for these signs is lessening as the LGBT community becomes more accepted in mainstream cultures, even in Shanghai. This change is welcome, as it represents an easier life for homos here, but it also makes spotting potential mates more difficult.

Tavika, a Shanghai lezzo known for her way with the ladies, is frustrated: “I was chatting up this straight femme all night and learned after she’d gone that she bats for our team. Just think of the conversations we could’ve had about The L Word. Instead we talked about the recession.” The horror.

For expats in Shanghai, trying to adjust to a new culture is challenging. In one’s own country, little red flags pop up mid-conversation with “I’m a flaming homosexual” written on them to clue us in. Not quite in Shanghai, and spotting these flags is difficult. The strategy I recommend is to assume everyone is queer unless proven otherwise. This makes drinking at straight bars exponentially more fun.