There are a lot of urban legends about lalas floating around, tainting our good, clean names. It’s been said that lalas turn into werewolves in the light of a full moon, and one of my gay friends recently asked me whether lala vaginas have teeth. Here, I will put these lala myths to rest once and for all.

Myth number one: Lalas only scissor. Well, I certainly hope not. Despite what you have seen on porn videos, lalas do a whole lot more than scissor. They use hands, props, mouths, their milk stations. If you can imagine it, it’s probably been done. And it’s beautiful.

Myth number two: Lalas smell like seafood down there. If your or someone else’s “down there” smells like seafood, sushi or a fish tank, please take it to a gynecologist. Lala “down theres” (when under proper care and maintenance) have a likeness to the nectar of the gods.

Myth number three: Lalas hate men. So not true. In fact, I love men. And I can safely speak for a majority of lalas when I say that we like men, we just don’t want to make love to them because penises have teeth and smell like fish and beer.

Myth number four: Lalas look like men. Well, some lalas do and some lalas don’t – just as some men look like girls and some straight girls look like lalas. Lalas come in all shapes and sizes. While some can go completely undetected in mainstream life, others stand out with their boyish haircuts and hipster clothes.

Myth number five: All lalas will face “lala bed death.” [Translation: “Not wanting to have sex after a few months into a relationship”–Ed.] Oh god, please do not let this be true. If this is happening to you, call a helpline immediately.

Myth number six: Straight girls are not safe around lalas because lalas hit on all girls. Just because you have a vajayjay does not mean you get your very own lala stalker. Lalas have taste and lalas are hot. They too look for interesting and unique characteristics in people, compatibility, ambition, etc. So, if one falls for you, you shouldn’t run a mile but you should consider yourself attractive.

Myth number seven: Lalas are girls who cannot get boyfriends or are in a “phase.” Despite what the nuns told you in grade school, lalas are lalas because they love women, nothing more. Oh, and penises have teeth and smell like fish and beer.

Myth number eight: If you hang out with a lala you will eventually become one. You should be so lucky. Unfortunately, hanging with a lala will not make you gay, otherwise my roommates and I would already be sharing baths by now.

Have some stereotypes of your own to throw into the mix? Spread the word below.

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