Should auld, bad be forgot?

The new year is going to be a great one. So, I've taken it upon myself to draft some resolutions for all of us.

First, let's actually use the gym. I know the drill. You have been going to Physical for two years and worked out as many times. Meanwhile DUNKIN' Donuts has opened and you're developing a bulbous middle section. Avoid looking like you're with child and get into a step class.

Next, be good to your friends. In the midst of this credit crisis, the yuans are in one proverbial and out the other without so much as a “How's your father?” Help a friend in need to reach his intoxication zenith with a round of drinks. F.Y.I.: Happy hour at Barbarossa and Enoteca on Fridays are LGBT-friendly hotspots.

Then there's the all-important question of how to hold your liquor. The lesbians hold theirs by the ears but the boys have had all sorts of trouble keeping their foibles and whatnot. We had our fun in 2008. Maybe you were last man and / or woman standing at Shanghai Studio, danced on a podium at Club LC with your pants ‘round your ankles, or, one time after 10 too many glasses of Prosseco at Velvet Lounge and several cocktails at Tara 57, you came to in a strange hotel room, under a hirsute Lebanese businessman. Maybe that was all me, but be told: it was so last year.

Also in the name of public good, let us pledge to take public transport. We shall forego taxis altogether, except on those rare occasions when you absolutely need to leave the former French Concession. Now it's motorcycle taxis or bust. There's no greater feeling than pretending to be simultaneously butch and cool while zipping between cars and buses with a portly, unwashed gentleman in the cradle of your moneymaker. Try it.

My final New Year's resolution is to maintain good health. But, you might want to opt out of your annual exam. During my company's recent medical test I was herded from one cubicle to the next only to be poked and prodded with nary a “please” nor “thank you.” No foreplay whatsoever. Then they had the audacity to describe my genitalia as “normal.” And if, like me, you cannot produce a stool test on command, tell the nurse to scat.

If this sounds too hard, just remember the new year's the perfect time for a new start on old habits.