3:13 | So Much Fun "Thank you!" exclaims Vittachi as the crowd applauses enthusiastically. This was, hands down, the most fun we've had during a SILF session.

3:07 | I'm Yin, You? Vittachi asks if there's time for a fengshui exercise, and after a nod from Tina, he asks the audience to stand, then poses a series of questions. Ready? You can do this too.

1. You’re heading into a long session at the literary festival and can only buy one snack. If you choose a savory one, step to the left. Sweet, right.

2. You're on holiday. If you go to beach, step to left. Exploring the town? Step right.

3. Best friend is an architect and wants to name a project after you. If you prefer to have a bridge bear your moniker, step to the left. A skyscraper, right.

4. There's a trophy on mantlepiece from school. If you won it for sports, step right. If you won it for speech or debate, step to the left.

5. You have an important meeting. If you wear grey, step to the left. If you wear black, step to the right.

6. KFC is the only restaurant open. If you order a spicy drumstick, step right. Original recipe? To the left you go.

7. It's Mother’s Day. Do you bring her chocolates (step right), or flowers (left)?

8. You're hitting the breakfast buffet at a hotel. You only have time to grab one thing. Step right to grab your eggs and bacon, and head left for some yogurt and cereal.

9. You're channel surfing between two that are in your language. If you watch the drama, step to the left. Documentary fans, step right.

Verdict: Your personality tends to come in from yin or yang, left or right. If you're standing where you started, then "you're the weird ones. It means you have a perfectly balanced personality...or no personality," says Vittachi as the audience laughs. If you're standing to the left of where you started, that means you're a people person: "You can fix a friend's relationship but you can never fix your own car." More to the right from where you started? "This means that you're more systematic than emotional; you're scared of emotional things. You can program a computer but could never fix a friend's relationship."

3:04 | One Thing He Doesn't Do A reader noticed a tone shift in his new novel, and Vittachi explains that there are two types of murder mysteries. First, there's the elegant, "cozy" mysteries a la Agatha Christie. "You're sitting in a cozy chair and drinking hot chocolate," describes Vittachi. "You're thinking, 'oh, dear...hm...I don't know...whodunnit?'" And then there's the hard-boiled kind of murder mystery that's filled with violence and politics. Vittachi's new novel is a little bit of both. However, “ I still can’t do sex," he says. "Maybe it’s an Asian thing.” "You’re sleeping in the wrong direction," offers someone from the audience. We all laugh, but Vittachi one-ups us by pulling out a compass and telling us which direction we should be sleeping in, should we spend the night in the Crystal Room.

2:59 | All Jokes Aside Vittacchi's mysteries have been translated into many different languages. WHen he met his translator In Germany, he asked her how his English novels could be so popular in Germany. A bit embarrassingly, his translator replied "I take out your jokes and put in my own." His French translator, in response to this anecdote, said "We all do this but she is honest enough to tell you."

2:56 | Pillow Talk Vittachi likes to use a fengshui master in his stories to help solve mysteries because "murder mysteries should be about people, human harmony." He feels that Patricia Cornwell ruined the murder mystery genre by introducing science and DNA. One audience member asked him how he learned fengshui. "I learned both Indian and Chinese fengshui," he says. "And there's only one notable difference. In Chinese fengshui, to have good sex, you point your head towards the north when you sleep. It's the other way around in Indian fengshui." The audience contemplates this while Vittachi continues, "One billion people are having bad sex. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which billion." The crowd cracks up.

2:52 | Hush, Winnie, Hush An audience asks for Vittachi's opinion on censorship. Apparently, Winnie the Pooh was once banned because "animals cannot talk." The film The Postman Always Knocks Twice was also banned because, as Vittachi heard from authorities, "murdering your spouse is not good for the Chinese." So, what? It's fine for the foreigners?

2: 50 I Go, CW! " I can tell you more but I can’t tell you the actual names," says Vittachi after finishing his list. "Unless you ask nicely." The audience laughs. But before he reveals more secrets, he just needs to make sure of a few things. "Are there any lawyers in this room?” he asks. No. “Are there any journalists in the room?” I raise my hand. "Well, as long as she behaves herself,“ responds Vittachi. "She’s live blogging!” offers an audience member. You bet I am!

2:45 | Ta-Da And now, here it is. The 10 Dark Secrets of the Literati:

1. Many assume that authors at literary festivals are all bookish intellectuals. In fact, three of them (is he talking about authors from this one?) are hard-drinking, mini-bar wrecking rock stars.

2. There have been spectacular affairs. One big name, non-fiction writer was probing into the life of Indian princesses...and was caught by the British tabs, literally probing an Indian princess. Oops.

3. Some writers aren’t what they seem. "He doesn't write fiction--he IS the fiction!" Entirely fake.

4. Writers rely on editors, co-authors or spouses much more than you'd imagine.

5. Authors often switching ID: they are Asian when it suits them, non-Asian when it suits them.

6. While some big name writers are sensitive in choosing words on page, they are, in fact, obnoxious in real life. However...

7. Amongst the bad, there are those who are sophisticated, intelligent and sensitive human beings. But they are all secretly gay.

8. There is one literary festival organizer who’s in big trouble because the accounts don’t add up. He hasn’t paid his staff.

9. There is a famous hell-raiser among Asian writers. In actuality, he's not a hell-raiser. "He must have paid someone to do the drugs and drinking for him. He’s…total wimp."

10. There are publishers who manage to out-sin writers. "The business men have to think and add up, and there have been spectacular cases of censorship and copying."

2:42 | $$$ Vittachi is rumored to be involved with a new literary prize. "Yes, the Asian Pacific Literary Prize," clarifies Vittachi. "It's big, on the scale of the Booker, which is a good reason for me to start writing now." I'm not too sure about this next part, but he claims that as Asians respect money, when a cash prize is tacked on to an award, then people with think, Hmm, writers...it's a respectful job! (We like to think that we're all respected anyway.)

2:39 | This is It “Anyone can write a book,” says Vittachi. “But only one out of one thousand will finish the book.” Having heard “Just sit down and write” one time too many as the advice for budding authors, I am anxious to hear what this author has to as his words of wisdom. “Think, ‘I must finish that book’ [not, “I must start writing the book} and then you can do it. Now’s the time. There’s a great movie, great publishing industry, but there is a lack of writers.” He’s exhausted by the fact that the biggest selling intellectual property in Asia was Pokemon, which was a US$15 billion property but was merely a cartoon with characters called Picachu that only spoke a language of “pica-chu”. How’s that for creativity?

2:36 | Go, SILF! “You’ve taken part in so many Asian literary festivals,” says Tina. “Which one is your favorite?” “This one, says the author with his fingers crossed,” responds the author (with his fingers crossed). Vitacchi prefers the smaller, “funkier literary festivals”, like the ones in Shanghai, Bali, Suzhou and Sri Lanka. He enjoys the personal interaction with the smaller audiences, and thinks that the slogans for these smaller, more intimate lit fests should say “Meet Your Favorite Author and Speak with Her!” We're glad you like it here too, Nury.

2:30 | Mantra “A student of mine said something to me,” says VIttachi. “You can achieve great things if you don’t mind who takes the credit.”

2:27 | And more! “There used to be a vegetarian restaurant in Stanley, which is unfortunately no longer there,” says Vittachi. There, all waitresses wore name tags that read—wait for it—“Waitress”. “This is to differentiate between the fish and the bones?!” exclaimed Vittachi.

2:24 | Brownie Points for Effort? It gets better--add adjectives! So now you’ll see the “Newish Building”, an “Adjoining Building” and the “Greenish Court” in Discovery Bay (which isn’t even green). When Vittachi used to work at the Wall Street Journal, he used to have lunch with his colleagues at a restaurant called the “Quite Good Chinese Restaurant”, which was quite an accurate statement for the food that was offered there. Only mediocre.

2:22 | The Live Blog “Living in Hong Kong makes me laugh everyday,” says Vittachi. If uncreativity shines, it’s in this city. The central part of the city is called “Central”. There is a “Central Building,” and next to it, a “Central Tower”. The harbor, formerly called the Victoria Harbour, is now called “The Harbour”. There’s a “main block” at the hospital near where Vittachi lives, and the new wing is called “The New Pinnacle Wing”. The audience loves this, and roars in laughter.

2:19 | Abnormal Vitacchi is a versatile writer. “Why can’t you write books like normal people?” questions Tina. “Asia has so many needs,” replies Nury. “It needs to have a culture.” The West still dominates current culture, as seen in the top 100 films and movies. Two countries, the US and UK, out of 200 dominate, yet 62 percent of the population is in Asia. This anomaly will ultimately leave Asians fed up with Hollywood movies and novels by Grisham. “Infrastructure is missing,” states Vittachi. “Asia is an uncreative place. Seems wrong to me. Seems that people are creative but somehow typical.”

2:17 | Huff I’m now in the Crystal Room and have missed the first few minutes of this talk. Sorry—I ran up the stairs as quickly as I could! Tina K moderates this session with the spunky Nury Vitacchi. The room is full; it's standing room only.