Shanghai is a playground for players, a veritable swing set for swingers. And as such, it should be a breeding ground (no pun intended) for fornicatory frolics—the kind of place that requires more disinfectant than an elementary school sandbox or a teenage tube sock. And yet there will always be those people who suffer from an utter lack of game.

In the hope of getting us all a little more action, I repressed feminist sympathies and sat down with some of Shanghai’s biggest playboys to find out exactly what they do to seal the deal. These guys have sown more wild oats than Mr. Quaker and shamelessly dished their tactics. Call it the holy grail of getting laid or “how to catch a predator”—either way, prepare to be enlightened:

[Please note that for the sake of anonymity, we gave each playboy a different nickname. Except for Logan, who wished to be named.]

Me: What’s your go-to date?

Moses DaLove: If I really like her, I’ll take her to Coconut Paradise, then grab a drink somewhere unpretentious where we can listen to live music like JZ Club. Then I’ll put her in a cab home, maybe go in for a kiss on the cheek and won’t text for two days. If I just want to take her home? No dinner, pub crawl, home. Mickey D’s when she falls asleep.

“Reformed Playboy,” Logan: As the M1NT bar manager, I don’t really need moves; I’m just there. I’ll usually take girls from the club to an after-hours spot like Velvet Lounge and then McDonalds for breakfast. Or Egghead Bagels if I’m feeling classy.

Playboy Gayboy: It always helps to pick a restaurant that’s physically close to your apartment so that you can “accidentally” wind up at your place.

Me: What if you want to get rid of a girl mid-date?

Moses DaLove: Come back from the bathroom looking broken, say your roommate’s dog died, pay the bill and leave.

Me: Got any deal breakers?

Moses DaLove: If she pukes, farts or burps I’ll look at her in disgust and leave immediately.

Playboy Gayboy: Spending the date talking about all the bad things in Shanghai. If he hates this city so much, why is he here?

Me: What about a “turbo move,” a way to push things in the right direction?

Moses DaLove: Say “it doesn’t matter, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” and then keep trying. She’ll break.

Logan: Use euphemisms for sex so no one feels dirty. Instead of asking a girl to go home with me, I’ll tell her my eyes change colors in the morning. When she asks if it’s true, I tell her there’s only one way to find out.

So there you have it, fellas: a few half-truths and a whole lot of late-night McDonald’s, and you’ll be well on your way to get getting laid (and possibly closer to an STD clinic).