Life coaches are experts in you, your life and the inner workings of your brain. But they’re also expensive—like RMB2,000 an hour expensive. So we’ve talked to some of Beijing and Shanghai’s best coaches and stolen their secrets. Read on to discover how you can make your life better in 2012 and activate whatever powers—human, superhuman or otherwise—lie within you.
Secret One
Move the Goal Posts
There’s no hiding from life coach Jeff Tan (check out his website here). He’s heard every excuse in the book when it comes to procrastinating. Happily, he has a few secrets to overcoming the natural urge to put things off.
“What I’ve experienced is that a lot of people who want to switch their lives tend to set a goal that is just huge. And huge goals are OK, but then they get the fear and procrastinate, because it’s just too big! And then the moon and sun are not aligned, and Venus and Jupiter are out of sync. They’re looking for the perfect moment, maybe waiting for the economy to turn. Well, it’s turned, but not the way we wanted it to.
“When we wait for the right time to take action, we never get started on making change. Now, here’s the secret: make it smaller! By setting smaller, more quickly achievable goals, your mind relaxes and change is less of a big deal.” So in the end, smaller steps are actually more likely to lead to accomplishing a larger goal.
“The other obstacle is putting too long a time frame on your goal,” Jeff says. “And then things don’t change. One difference between a real goal and a distant dream is the time frame you put on it.”
Secret Two
Date Yourself
Making connections in Shanghai is ridiculously easy. So easy that it seems rather rude to stay home when exciting new acquaintances are dropping into your lap on a daily basis. Coach Nina Juraschek (check out her website here) has seen ample evidence that the most vital connection of all gets neglected in the dizzy whirl of life in Shanghai: your connection with yourself.
“Shanghai is one of the most exciting cities in the world, filled with possibility, opportunity and endless new ideas. This is certainly not a bad thing, but finding balance and ‘keeping it real’ can become an issue here,” she tells us.
“People start to suffer when they don’t make real time for themselves. That means giving yourself a breather and collecting your thoughts. It might mean, shocking as it sounds, turning down an invitation to dinner, lunch or coffee. But marking out an amount of time to simply be alone and to reflect a bit is one way to stay in touch with who you are—because your own well-being should be your priority.”
Not all of Shanghai is a hedonistic whirlwind, and Juraschek recommends non-religious communities like Spiritualshanghai.com for those looking for a little meaning or reflection amid the everyday buzz.
Secret Three
Strip! The Answers Away
The new year is synonymous with fresh beginnings and change. But before you start thinking about launching a brand new you, it’s important do the groundwork, says Jeff Tan.
“You are less likely to succeed if you don’t examine why you’re setting yourself new targets or goals in the first place. And that means you need to strip off the onion-like layers of your identity until you get to a core of self-awareness,” says Tan.
“Get a pen and paper and do a New Year’s inventory on yourself. Try to strip the ‘should’ out of what you think you want to do and you will start to see your core values emerge.”
Once the unconscious mind begins to be activated, then values, beliefs, purpose and identity come to the fore. To know what these are puts people in a stronger position to align who they really are with the goals they set.
“What you are mining for is ‘why’ you want to change, not ‘what.’ Once you know why you want to make a change, then your limiting beliefs and blockages will begin to fall away. There is no perfect moment to begin to peel your personal onion … so what are you waiting for?”
Secret Four
Say It Loud: The Stage Is Yours
Clubs dedicated to the art of public speaking have been around for years. There is often a perception that they exist purely for people who have to give speeches and presentations in their jobs. Not so, says Olivia Xiao, a coach at REV. Learning the art of public address can change your life and liberate you in ways you never considered before.
Why would anyone would terrify themselves by getting up and speaking in front of a crowd of people if they can avoid it? “As it happens, taking to the podium and giving a speech can not only bring about a huge transformation in your self-confidence but also fulfill dormant dreams of recognition, achievement and even adventure.” Xiao says. “The Toastmasters club in Shanghai chooses a different topic or theme each week, and people from all walks of life can give a short talk and have their presentation skills evaluated in a constructive way. People find they really thrive and grow in such an environment, and it impacts the rest of their lives.
“Stepping out of your comfort zone repeatedly is a workout for your confidence muscle. Soon it becomes second nature, and ‘I can’t … ’ loses its power. So this year, why not say something loud?”
Secret Five
It's All About Rhythm
Did you know that the majority of heart attacks happen on Monday and Tuesday mornings? According to resilience training specialist Thomas Tang (check out The Resilience Institute website here) , one of the key reasons for this is the disruption to the body that occurs over the weekend and the subsequent return to weekday rhythms again.
Tang says one of the most important secrets of good health, energy, confidence and creativity lies in respecting your 24-hour circadian rhythm, or body clock.
“It’s really important to go to sleep and get up at the same time every day. Even on weekends, when you might feel you deserve a lay-in, you should get up and start your day at the same time as during the week. This strengthens the body and mind, improves alertness and protects from disease.”
“During the day, try to be aware of your body’s ultradian rhythm by taking a break every 90-120 minutes to walk away from your desk, maybe get a glass of water or just tune into your breathing and relax. By taking a definite break from the task at hand, you can maximize your energy and efficiency.”
It’s not always easy to take breaks during the working day, but by being aware of our body’s natural rhythms, we can recognize and be prepare for dips in energy and take a break instead of reaching for the chocolate or coffee.
Secret Six
Prepare for Second
You might want to think twice before playing poker with Morry Morgan, an expert in neuro-linguistic programming, the co-founder and marketing director at ClarkMorgan Corporate Training and author of Selling Big to China. But you certainly want him on your side in a negotiation.
There’s often a volatile feeling around the start of the year in China as contract renegotiations are coming up. Whether you’re renewing an employment contract or a rental contract, negotiation can be a stressful experience.
“Regardless of whether or not you have anything to fear, you should have a BATNA,” says Morgan. “BATNA stands for ‘Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement,’ which essentially means a second choice.”
No matter what unpleasant surprises you might encounter in a negotiation, Morgan says you can take them in stride if you’ve lined up your BATNAs.
“You need to be thinking: ‘What’s my BATNA?’ The more you have, the more leverage you have. Once you have a BATNA you immediately start to feel more confident and that is projected in your mannerisms. It’s an unconscious thing, but other people will feel it. So when your manager asks you in for The Talk, you’re relaxed and have a big smile on your face!”
But BATNA is only as relevant as the other person thinks it is. “It’s all about perceived position, or perceived value. In that sense BATNA can also be excellent as a poker-type bluff. You may not have a backup plan, but it’s how you create the impression that you do. BATNA is in the eye of your opponent.”
Morgan points out that BATNA is not lying. Rather, it’s about unsettling your opponent without being confrontational. You’re simply letting him make an assumption—in the end it’s all part of the game.
Secret Seven
Willpower is Overrated
Thomas Tang knows a secret about willpower: it’s stressful and you can do without it by harnessing the power of ritual instead.
“Do you need willpower to brush your teeth every morning? Of course not! All the things that seem to require lots of willpower in life, like getting up in the morning to exercise, maintaining a clear distinction between work and family life or even just eating a healthy breakfast every day can become second nature by building them into rituals.”
Tang says it takes just six weeks for physical ritual to become a good habit, and eight weeks to set up a mental or emotional ritual.
“Modern life is all about compromise, which means it’s even more important to put rituals in place and protect them. It’s in the interest of your own well-being. The more you rely on ritual, the less you rely on willpower, and you’ll find you have more energy, confidence and resilience to deal with everything every day.”
Tang also wants to make clear that it’s not necessary to live like a monk. The daily rituals you set may occasionally have to be abandoned, but the secret is to be aware of when the routine’s been broken and come back to it as soon as possible.
Been to a life coach before? Got other tips on how others can make 2012 the absolute best year of your life? Let us know in the comments below.
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As I read the suggestions from the life coaches in this article, I’m struck by the sort of homespun practicality of wisdom they expound on that is advice you could easily obtain by reading Mark Twain or any of the American motivational speakers of 40 years ago. Part psychotherapy, part Oprah, and part common sense, coaches often bill themselves as listeners and cheerleaders who help clients figure out how to move their lives in a particular direction. They are typically not trained social workers or doctors. The evidential facts on the success of life coaching are slim. What exactly is the ROI (Return on Investment) of hiring a life coach? They all make enormous claims to improve your personal and professional life. But are they worth the money? Who are these coaches? Where do they come from? Most of them are in their mid 30’s to early 40’s with some professional but often not with notable achievements with peer and industry recognition in their former profession, and, then there is their life experiences. Are either one representative enough to constitute a deep well to draw from? Why did they abandon their former profession to become a life coach? To me, it’s a little like going to a psychic.
I’ve met about 20 life coaches here in Shanghai. All of them seem nice and exude this kind of ‘interest’, at first. One told me that her practice focused on getting her clients to ‘think outside the box’-an playful expression but one that I have no belief in. It’s like asking someone to think of something they have never thought of before. On further inquiry as to how she accomplishes this amazing feat, the life coach told me that she will suggest that her client take a different route to work one day and then at the next session ask the client to talk about that experience. Ah! Who knew it could be that simple, huh?
This same coach, like most of the others, is certified by the International Coach Federation. ICF is an organization that certifies coaching standards that they have set for themselves. Coaches who belong to the ICF set themselves apart, in this self-regulated industry, by abiding by the ICF Code of Ethics. My question has always been who certified the man who declared himself and his ICF the gold standard? Another self-adorned authority. ICF is a business dedicated like all businesses to making money and a profit. It’s like a trade school where you go to learn welding or CAD drafting. It’s a marketing idea where one pays a great deal of money to receive its training in order obtain a certificate that allows them to charge 2000 rmb or $320-the fees you’d pay for an attorney.
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Many life coaches love to talk a lot about integrity. They love to sign action plan agreements with the coachee to insure that the actions are carried out each day, week, and month. When the coachee doesn’t fulfill his or her promise, the coach moves in to demand an explanation for this lapse in integrity. It really is taken as a value judgment by the coachee, no matter what the coach says to the contrary. It feels what it feels like. I think it is interesting to note that every single coach I have met, I have asked if they are a legitimate registered business here in Shanghai. Every one has says no. They work under the table to avoid paying taxes. Where is the integrity in that action? Ok to cheat in some parts of life? It’s the value system of do as I say but not as I do. The point, small or not, tells a story about the person. This article does not expose wide differences between practitioners within the coaching field. Diversity in itself is not the culprit nor is the standardization always the answer either, as all the ICF practitioners would have you believe since they represent the 'Gold Standard'. Institutionalizing also results in higher fees for the end users, notwithstanding, standardizing the coaching process where coaches need to reach predetermined benchmarks. During the 80’s and 90’s, in America, thousands of people obtained their license to practice psychological therapy and they themselves were no better equipped to provide counseling than a best friend. In fact, marriage counselors coming out of those same programs have a dismal 90% failure rate. What is it about those certifications that make them so special and their high fees so justifiable? The education and training they received? So it is with life coaches.
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The end users need to articulate a distinct need and goal, and then, look for a suitably reliable coach with an emphasis and depth of experience and knowledge in that particular area and who with single-mindedness stay that course of focus. Coaching is not about advocacy. It is about questions, the introduction of possibilities, and creation of action plans that allows participants to have firm footing while trying to overcome difficulties and empower their expressive authenticity. In this article, I would have liked to hear comments from HR directors, participants, company training managers reply here with testimonials telling us how coaches have substantially improved their lives or a company’s workforce. As with any professional you decide to hire it's up to you to do your homework. Referrals are a good way to find someone but you still have to check them out with past clients, have an introductory session to determine if you work well with them, discuss how they plan to work, what you can expect from them and how long they think your relationship with them will last. Also the term life coach is not synonymous with career coach or business coach or executive coach. Each specialty requires different skills and yields different results. The last time I sought out assistance to help me navigate a personal crisis I was about 40. I interviewed a dozen possibilities. I finally found someone, who with knowledge, skills, experiences, and a worldview though significantly different from my own, attracted me to her. She was 73 years old, a feminist, a nationally respected medical professional and director of a famous disaster management center, single, divorced, with a tough as nails attitude, who broke ‘rules’ of therapy when she felt the situation warranted doing so, and, who had a very small private practice that operated on a weekly visit schedule with a maximum duration of 3 months. She helped me. My advice is to look around and be tough with a prospective coach. Make them prove they have what you need before you sign on. Ask them to tell how they have resolved a personal crisis. Ever had a friend set you up on a blind date and tell you they found the perfect person for you? It didn’t work out did it? Take recommendations, especially from friends, with a grain of salt and skepticism. Just remember life, coaching is only as good as the coach’s ability to navigate his or her own lives.
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Phil, that was a heck of a long post, and I read a fair bit of it before there was chocolate and then there was chocolate, and as you know chocolate is pretty much THE most important thing in the world, so yeah... I think I can sum up whatcha said there: Life Coaching is pretty much BS from people who are trying to make money by BS. A very good friend, and a person I respect (despite my inability to read his posts sometimes) once gave me a very important piece of advice: If you want change, then be the change you want to be.
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@narfs, your line on "if you want change...want to be" is classic; and known in ancient Chinese as (per an old teacher I had) "以身作则". I find it ironic that the "new Chinese" forgot some good ol fashion ancient wisdom that ye ancient pass down.
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The 80's are back! Everybody have fun tonight! (Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!)
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Well, I like the part talking about ToasterMaster club. It is really great place to joint and learn and improve oneself. I think the idea it conveyed makes a lot of sense. I have decided to become a membership this coming weekend in Pudong Toastmaster Club held every Sunday morning in Pudong.
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"I have decided to become a membership this coming weekend" I have decided to become a A3 size Laminating Machine this Sunday.
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@narsfweasels, haha Great! I would like you to be my mentor. Where is your club?
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Doroto, you don't need a mentor...you need to slow down. :-) That's the main advice I give to my mainland friends.
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@doroto Behind the nightstand, just in case. There have been a lot of shady characters around lately.
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@Eddie10, please could you elaborate on "you need to slow down"? Are you saying mainlanders speak English too fast?
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doroto, these guys are messin' with you. Go join Toastmasters and do the networking you can do there. I'm sure it will help build your practice in and out of a courtroom.
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:-) Fast lifestyle -- e.g. want to learn Toastmasters (English, I assume; not Hindi) fast, want to make the billion$ fast, ...all fast. :-) That's why need to slow down.
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Eddie is right, there are too many people in China who have no dreams of their own, and so look to qualify themselves in terms of the achievements or other people. I knew a girl in an ayi company who held this belief that once she was completely clear of all immorality she would be happy with herself. Thing is, she counted eating meat as immorality and seeing others eat meat as immorality. She was on a crusade to change the world to a place that she could accept. On to a losing streak there, it has to be said.
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Eddie and Narfs I think you guys are projecting on, doroto. I don't get your ire from his words. I don't disagree with your general admonishments for the masses, however.
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If I am perceived as projecting unto you, Doroto, then I apologise. That was not my intend. Just using the same conversation thread to air my experiences/views on the general masses. Cheers!
As the immortal words of Eagles (rock band) -- "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy ..."
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A colleague of mine sent me this article via email and I was glad to see that there are some people who care about the integrity of coaching. I consider myself a professional coach. I have been coaching individuals and small teams on and off for the last 8 years. I don't claim "life coach" or "business coach" or "executive coach." I only recently made the decision to back up my skills with an ICF credential. The truth about coaching is that any average person can do coaching. Very few can actually do it well. Oftentimes I find that others confuse coaching with counseling, consulting, advising, training. I know this from the many conversations I've had explaining the nuances between the terms. All of these perspectives may involve coaching skills at some point in a an engagement; it really depends on the client's needs. The benefit of hiring a coach (A good one) is that they will hold to your agenda as a client. It shouldn't be about selling solutions or endless talks that go no where. Coaching is about deepening the learning and forwarding the action. The big question: Couldn't a close friend coach me? Yes. This works well for some. There are times when a person is seeking more. I agree when PhilipVasels says that each person must do their due diligence. Ask the questions. Request Referrals. Seek examples of what they have accomplished with past clients. The Coaching industry reminds me of the training and development field (Which is also part of my background). At least training has a timebound result of delivering programs. Training finds it hard to define it's value after the training program is finished. Mainly because it needs to be in alignment with some business result that is to be achieved. Coaching needs to be aligned with some result to be achieved. Without that your coaching sessions are nothing more than circular chats. A lot of coaching principles follow corporate training and performance management methodology Finding a coach that can work with you successfully is like choosing a relationship partner. The only real way to know if it works for you is to give it a try. Please don't be discouraged if you have tried and failed to find a good coach. The market is becoming over-saturated with imitations, some even have certificates they've paid for. Keep your eye on the results and let that be the measure.
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Rythm? How about learning to spell, or possibly how to use spellcheck? Also, as a note to the 'editors', your (in)ability to catch basic typos speaks volumes about how little you care for your craft.