Often I get asked by my straight ladies to take them to gay bars because they’re the best place ever. Sure, straight girls love gay bars. They’re the safest places for them to get drunk, and they don’t have to worry about waking up next to a random (straight) guy the next morning. But before you straight women start hitting up the gay bars for your girls night out, here are some tips:

“Ladies First” Doesn’t Apply (Because We’re All Ladies)

Most women are often used to getting into the club for free, being served first at the bar, and in general finding that everyone will be “nice” to them. At a gay bar, however, none of that will happen for you ladies. Sure you will still be special (just like your momma said), just not at the gay bar. Here, don’t complain if some guy walks into the ladies bathroom. Chances are, it’s just some drunk twink trying to find a quick place to throw up. Ladies’ restroom signs at gay bars are like red traffic lights in Shanghai. It’s merely a suggestion to stop; whether one does is another issue.

Don’t Cock-block

All the gays at the bar will have an automatic alarm that tells them when it’s “dick-o-clock.” This is a time when everyone needs to find a warm body for the night. If you’re joining the gay bar for the first time, be aware of this sacred hour. If a gay guy is talking to you during this time, chances are he’s only interested in your gay friend and not you. If you’re accompanying a gay friend, don’t hog him during this hour. You’re there as a prop only until something tasty weasels into his mouth. So keep the conversation light, brief and know that no one is looking at you or listening to you right now. You will have plenty of time for attention the next day at brunch.

Don’t use gay bars for your personal strip show

Sure, gay guys are fun to hang out with, harmless for the most part (oh but they can turn nasty so quickly), and best of all, they usually have the best bodies around. (Ugly gays don’t exist, remember?) On top of that, the gays sure love to be shirtless after midnight. It’s some sort of fairy godmother curse being put on us. After midnight, no matter how pretty we were before, shirts come off and poof … that pumpkin has a nipple ring. This is all easy on the eyes and all, but hands off, ladies. Unless you’re invited to touch, please don’t touch without being asked. To you, this might be like a one night opportunity to grind up on some oiled man flesh with no consequences or boners. But to us, this is our way of life and livelihood. You can look, but don’t touch, no screaming, and don’t treat this as your one night in Magic Mike. A quick word for the gay boys: It’s also not OK for you to grab anyone’s boobs (drag queens or not). If I wanted to see boobs being manhandled, I would have gone to one of the bars outside the Hilton.

So a Straight Guy Walks In...

OK, guys, you’re in a gay bar and pretending to be cool about it. We get it. You don’t have to keep telling us you’re straight. Pretty sure we can tell by the way you dress. Relax, enjoy the better music, don’t stand in the corner hanging on to your girlfriend like a human shield. Nothing is going to accidentally fall into your ass if you turn around, but do turn around, bright eyes—we will still enjoy the view. Oh and you will still get hit on even if you say that you’re straight. It’s not because we don’t understand this concept in our little underground universe, it’s just that we see this as a challenge. Most straight guys enjoy some girl-on-girl fantasy, so it’s only fair that gay men enjoy a straight man fantasy. There’s no harm in flirting, and as someone once suggested, have a flirt back. You’ll probably get some free drinks out of it. Haven’t you paid enough for the girls in the other bars?

So remember next time you’re heading into a gay bar to escape the regular straight club scene, for you, it might be a one night thing. For us, it’s a lifestyle.